Imitations of Reality

Resolution

I have been searching to find a suitable way to say good-bye to this blog and if not good-bye, at least an extended absence as I feel I can add nothing further on the crossdressing topic as I have resolved the issue for all intents and purposes.

I suppose I could just drop it and forget about it, but owning to the fact that I’ve had over 13,000 hits in such a short time, it would appear I have struck a chord that resonates within the hearts and minds of hundreds other men like myself. I therefore feel a certain obligation to not leave in silence without saying a word of gratitude to the many I have communicated with over the last 20 months. Knowing I was not the only one who experienced this “strangeness of mind” has been very helpful and as I have been told by so many who have taken the time to write or comment, I am happy that I have assisted them as well in coming to some conclusions as to the why’s and wherefores of their malaise.

But I would be remiss if I did not thank the most important person in my life, my wife; my lover and confidant, whose emotions at times were accosted by a man who, though madly in love with her and her with me, caused her to question all that she as a woman believed to be true in marrying the man she loved. How easy it would have been for her to throw her hands in the air and consider separating her life from mine. But knee-jerk reactions were never her style and thankfully my open discussions on this web page did not usurp her intelligence, our marriage, or her ability to foster rational dialogue that would help us lift the veil of angst held from her through 42 years of marriage. She was also wise enough to see that my behavioural issues were much more a problem for me than for her, stemming as they are from a lost childhood rather than an open attempt to be someone I was not. I own much to her trust, her wisdom, her motherly and womanly love, as well as her rational input in making IMITATIONS OF REALITY my confessional box.

It is my hope this journey of self discovery, ( fractured as it may be seen by the reader,) has provided food for thought and has been some assistance for those who struggle in attempting to understand the strange phenomenon known as crossdressing. As with all things in life, there are no hard and fast answers to one’s emotional needs as this blog would attest, and there are no clear rights and wrongs except to say, though it is a joy to imagine being someone else, it is a curse if one takes it seriously and allows it to take over the essence of one’s created self and permits it to interfere with the relationships one must foster in living as we do in a collective society.

With that in mind I will leave you with a few lessons I learned along the way which I offer as observations I have gathered from my musings and experience as well as in reading the blogs of others.

Balance

Find the balance between the “me” and the “them.”  Me being the person I know better than anyone else in the world, whose very being has been molded by countless genetic factors given to me at birth and the effects of those factors in my experience of the world around me and “them” of course – being anyone outside myself.  Though there are always acceptations to the rules of life, humans are social animals nonetheless and need inter-personal relationships to live healthy lives. That being said, we also live with ourselves every living moment, thus the need to find an equilibrium between “me ” and society’s sometimes destructive demands to deny one the freedom to explore ones sense of self and enjoying a sense of fantasy without breaking the rules of “Natural Law.”

Reality

One cannot possess that which is not theirs to begin with. Glandular reaction to the beauty of the female form does not indicate a mistake was made in ones creation as a male. So a word of caution: the dangers of losing one’s “light of being” by way of taking on the shadowy reflection of something you will never truly understand nor can ever be, will rob you of the temporary happiness found in playful dressing if taken beyond the reality of conceptual identity.

It will, in a very short time, supplant your knowledge of your chromosomal identity for an un-adult and juvenile imitation of your reality, which will in turn, lead to a life of unhappy depressiveness and a destructive separation of the world around you. You cannot re-create your birth. If you wish to remain in your relationship, remain in a semblance of authenticity, for you are in the body created when you were born. All else can either be a joyful recreation by way of one’s imagination, or a steppingstone to a world of untruth and self-created madness.

Believe In Yourself

Crossdressing is a personal experience that I feel is misunderstood in many cases by our wives, our lovers and society as a whole. So much of our mental health and our personality are lost in attempting to meet the demands of religion, government policy and social constructivism in making regrettable attempts to conform to THEIR reality and not our own. That being said, we all try to achieve a life of ethical behaviour, or if a believer, religious conformity. But one must find the balance of living with oneself, as well as with those we love. Be honest, be truthful at all times with your spouse.

Respect the feelings of your female partner

Women are an intriguing enigma to crossdressing males; (or any male for that matter.) Their form and very essences draw us in, in such a way, we find ourselves longing to relinquish our fundamental nature to be that which affects every desire and very emotion we possess. Their beauty and purpose in life is jealously coveted by many men without any understanding of what it is to be female, other than the object of excitement they sometimes provide to our senses. Thus to resolve this issue, respect for each other’s emotions must clearly be a priority, lest selfish and inward behaviour overrides the maintenance of the union.  If one is in a partnership or marriage be gracious and above all be kind. Compatibility and raising a family are the primary reasons for remaining together. It is vital that mutual respect for each other as individuals as well as partners in a marriage be upheld.

Most women that I know live their lives unpretentious and without any desire to extend their known existence into the realm of impractical imagings of being anything other than who they are. The suspension of rationality, the psychological behaviour that crossdressers exhibit, is completely lost on most women, so I think it goes without saying it is imperative to respect one’s partners reactions and thoughts with regard to our activities; something which they as women may not, or cannot hold as rational thinking in their minds.

Generally speaking, crossdressing takes place in private and with few exceptions, is a secretive and fanciful world we live in. I do not see any problem with that at all. The danger lies in the temptations, driven by sexual excitement, psychological imagining’s or the loss of reality that would see one so swallowed up by self-indulgent activities they would rather discard the reality of who they are for an image they long to mask themselves in. It is in many ways a masturbation of the mind, a point of view that many males display towards women in seeing them as objects of pleasure and therefore take upon the “sin” of self-indulgence to possess the object that gives them pleasure.

Finally
Be kind, be thoughtful, be honest with yourself and your spouse and above all Stay Real.

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Introduction
Before I begin, it is imperative that my readers understand the person I am about to describe. He is not a crossdresser as one may define the word  – dressing  for sexual pleasure or to identify as a woman, or living in a selfish world of fantasy to the detriment of those around him. Nor does he feel he is a transsexual.
The man I will discuss here, does cross the gender divide with dress in a minimal fashion, yet I feel he differs from many crossdressers in as much as his “sin” is a lifelong disposition that seeks to align his deep and mysterious sense of the muliebral within his soul, with the reality of living an ethical life as the male he was created to be.  

What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Like the picture at the left there are males, who acknowledge their sense of maleness unequivocally and live an honourable life. They are married, love their wives and children, have a job, raise a family, go to church, visit the sick, are patriotic; donate to charities and give freely of their time to their communities. So it is that exteriorly, to wives, friends and associates, they are honest, responsible and looked upon as fine examples of citizenship in living the ethical life they thoroughly believe in.

Yet for a few men like me, something is wrong with this picture. For though in all outward appearances of being a representation of normality and trustworthiness and for as much respect as they may have gained throughout their lives in living a moral life; there is a private uneasiness when the psychic interior confronts the one they understand and live with each and every day.

In as much as they will admit the persona they present to their wives and loved ones, as well as the general public, affirms the person they feel unmistakably represents who they are, they will also acknowledge, (to themselves of course) that contained within this understanding exists a male with a vague and unusual awareness that he is more than the sum of his psychological make-up and like many that are touched by this sensitivity, have been aware of it for a lifetime.

It is a source of wonder and fascination as well as a basis for guilt, a feeling of betrayal as well as confusion given we must all live within the boundaries of the social and cultural order to feel and be seen as a normal and trusted member. Yet it is a deeply rooted cognisance that though they understand thoroughly and unequivocally they are NOT female by any definition of the word, or have any need or want to be anything other than the male they are, there is nonetheless a persistent and mysterious subconscious “knowingness” of a distaff side that challenges all they have been taught, live or have learned that is contrary to what society defines and expects of them as a male first and foremost, as well as fathers, sons and husbands.

It is at one time a fear and a pleasure and for those who are emotionally drained by its presence can bear witness, a disturbing quality that one did not seek to bring upon oneself but nonetheless is an aspect of one’s personality that is as much a part of their intuitive identity as are their arms and legs to their physical appearance. Some may argue it is simply a figment of imagination, an over zealousness to escape one’s surroundings or reality, or even a heightened sexuality but again, having felt its present all of my life, I dismiss these as not being applicable to my situation or in fostering any understanding towards the unanswerable question as to why or where it came from.

Similar to my crossdressing, I sincerely believe this muliebral awareness is felt more strongly in some males (i.e. philogynist’s) than it is in others and has nothing whatsoever to do with how one may have been brought up by one’s parents. On the contrary, it is I believe an undeniable feature of birth that belongs to one’s personality and nature, a sense of being different that has been there from the beginning and as this blog will attest, if not addressed and confronted in some manner before marriage or more importantly as one gets older, it will become a source of enormous emotional anxiety in not being able to touch it, define it, or express it to anyone’s satisfaction nor even to oneself.     IT IS!

Thus, with this lifelong sense of otherness of “What Is” – in moments of contemplation, with no intention to deceive and no thoughtful purpose to hurt the ones he loves, he is drawn to holistically align the whole person by turning to the only tangible characteristic of his muliebral consciousness he can touch: CLOTHING.

Now I would ask you to think about his act of mental adjustment for one moment and if you can; without any religious or social bias you may have gained about what clothing is in a feminine/masculine context (very difficult I know.) In light of his full intentions to remain male, live as a male, remain as a husband and father, does he become less trust worthy as a member of society by engaging in this act of emotional grace? Does his expression of the mysterious he cannot explain but knows it is part of his soul, change his moral character or his contribution to society? Does it in anyway make him a “danger” to those around him? These questions demonstrate the difficulties in finding answers to the very complex problem of separating one’s emotions from that of the clothing one wears; what it does, our application of it, or how a crossdresser uses them – without a learned religious, social and stereotypical point of view by others that will invariably cast judgment on his character.

As innocuous as clothing is for those who merely use it to cover their bodies, it will become a highly charged (almost insanely so) psychopathic collapse of rationality that takes place when the second skin of the wearer, no matter how innocent or guiltless his action may be, confronts the observer in is wife or is partner. His real “sin” is not the clothing per se nor his desire to express the deep emotional aspects of it in the personality he feels needs be aligns to reality of self. The real problem is found in his unarticulated and failed expression of honesty to his partner of what the cross-gendered raiment means to him and without this endeavour taking place, the almost immediate knee-jerk reaction of his spouse, despite the known love they have for each other, will take place in her feeling of betrayed, hurt and abandonment.

Relationships

I am willing to admit there is a valid argument to be made that anyone transgressing the clothing divide has introduced a problematic situation into a marriage but remember; we are still talking clothes here; not a threat to world peace, a desire to change one’s sex, nor even an overt wish to be anyone other than the person they were when they entered the marriage contract. The real threat here is not the rationale behind the crossdressers act, but the inability to talk as adults, as husband and wife, lover to lover, about adult emotions, as well as  the failure of not allowing each other the ability to express their individuality within a marriage without one’s spouse feeling terrorize by perceived anti-social or deviant behaviour. Again I remind you…… we are talking clothes here, not a desire to wreck a marriage by becoming someone we are not or selfish in our behaviour; but being open about ones emotions and making valid attempts to be truthful and sincere about oneself which is I would think, what a marriage should be all about. I will grant you, this unusual display should have been made clear from the beginning, but as anyone who undertakes any display of self expression can attest, social compliance often trumps reality when it comes to dealing with one’s experience of life.

Whatever the case may be, I do find it odd that many lovers and partners can introduce sex toys, be intimate and honest about their sexual desires in their marriage, but when it comes to dealing with an honest and open expression of one’s personal sense of self, it becomes a perilous endeavour that may see the eventual break-up of one’s relationship due to the absence of mature understanding and articulation.

The greatest and most divisive problem with crossdressing for the man I have described from the start of this post is the aggrieved partners knee-jerk reaction in suspecting homosexuality or transsexualism and when dwells upon it, why would she think otherwise given the binary code attached to dress by a lifetime of social conditioning? Surely one must see that as a consequence of stereotyping and a frightfully disappointing failure to recognize each other’s individual experience of self, relationships are doomed to that of fantasy and unrealistic expectations if they disregard the individual aspects of ones personality.

I posted the follow quote once before, however it seems appropriate to re-post it here.

Make no mistake; I do understand very well that clothes carry a strong symbolic characteristic that transcends simple protection from the elements, but I  remain totally mystified as to how emotional people become over someone else’s use of them, even if for reasons other than their original intent.

If partners in a marriage cannot talk or speak from the heart on the most intimate matters of each other’s desires, needs and personality in an ADULT manner, it is no wonder so many marriages fall by the wayside when many females enter a marriage idealistically with the  belief that a marriage is a Cinderella love story manifested by way of exchanging vows, which dismisses any sense of reality of the human condition by way of negating the personal and individual’s sense of identity.

In spite of this pragmatic approach to the issue of clothes and the crossdresser, in dealing with the subject of dress and who is allow or not allowed to wear it, it goes without saying we touch a nerve that runs so deep within societies unconscious psyche, that all sense of logic and rationality is dispensed with and replaced with the most irrational assumptions and judgments one can image that in essence, have little to do with how one USES clothing, but everything to do with HOW OTHERS make critical assumptions as to the transgressors moral and ethical character -  and all this, despite the knowledge on the aggrieved spouses’ part, of the irrefutable love the crossdresser has and demonstrates daily, for his wife, his family or his sense of living a good and upright life and that my friends is a pity!
Communicate, communicate, communicate!!!

A Nested Life

Each Christmas we decorate the house for the festive season of Christmas and some of the objects we put on display are a few Russian nesting dolls. The doll has a long history, going back to the 1890’s and generally is depicted by a peasant women or a religious female figure on the outer layer dressed in a long shapeless dress while the figures inside, (being of either gender,) become smaller until the last figure presented is a baby.

While putting away the ornaments of the season and with one of these dolls in hand, the thought occurred to me that like real life, as each doll was freed from the nesting mother, I came to see that it represented a reverse history of life’s growth – from mother to the child. It was one of those moments that hits one in a flash; these wooden and fancy replicas of real people could just as well represent me and my crossdressing experience. For it struck me that in a metaphorical sense, here in my hand was the public persona I display that hides the dark secret of my attachment to the feminine that I, or any crossdresser for that matter, keeps hidden away in the belly of the nesting mother doll.

The dolls, as I dwelt upon it, represented a very recognizable symbol (perhaps the original intention) if one where to reflect upon it, of human life; the relationship of object-within-object contained within similar-object; man within man, women within woman, as well as woman within man and man within women as the many aspects of one’s personality, hidden away within one’s shadowy lifetime experience. Each doll being part of the whole yet, in being drawn out separating, smaller and smaller from the larger visible “mother” doll, was retracing a history back to childhood. The concept so intrigued me, I took the liberty of taking a design I found on the internet and re-painted it to demonstrate the similarity I saw in this relationship between present and past, mother and child, mother to son, woman to man and man to woman  to illustrate one’s history and the present life one lives.

As I mentioned, generally the home, or larger figure, is represented by a woman in a shapeless dress, but here I make it a man; an innocuous  Mr. ordinary on the outside; business suit, tie and the semblance of the “normal” every day guy anyone may see in their neighbourhood, yet nesting a history of clothing discomfort. But as each doll is revealed it becomes of sorts, an allegorical time capsule; a life time of crossing the great divide of the clothing paradigm and the images of memory that are nested in each one us from – middle age, young adulthood, teenage years, early youth, and childhood. All “a nested life,” comfortably and safely hidden away in the personal-subconscious of the visible elder-statesman with the beard and only brought out at certain times, in celebration of a life lived within the fullness of the outer man, or haunted by the reverse process of de-decorating – from childhood to the “mother or father doll,” dressing and un-dressing to the mask of pretense found in the whole man that though sits on the shelf, remains hiding its contents until brought out once again.

I Sing the Female of Imagination

This is the female form,
A divine nimbus exhales from it from head to foot,
It attracts with fierce undeniable attraction.
I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapour.

The female contains all qualities and tempers them,
She is in her place and moves with perfect balance,
She is all things duly veil’d, she is both passive and active…..
See the bent head and arms folded over the breast, the Female I see.

Walt Whitman – I Sing the Body Electric

I don’t buy the idea that most crossdressers are transsexuals in disguise but more often than not, ordinary males who conceptualize the feminine to such an extent, they lose their sense of reality. Thus the visualizations that engorge penises and the mental chemistry that usurps their rational thought, depersonalizes the female (perhaps even their wives and lovers) to an object of overwhelming emotional desire. As Whitman says: I am drawn by its breath as if I were no more than a helpless vapour. The Crossdressers mind staggers with the thought of beauty and curve and in so doing, he  soon becomes the slave to an all consuming irrationality of the female until in his hopeless quest to touch the softness of skin, the breast, the thigh and all aspect that are so intoxicating to him; compels him to BECOME the object of his desire and thus the bonfire of his own vanity.

My wife has an interesting theory which is for me, is a very plausible one regarding my own irrationality.

“Men tend to erotize women and the feminine mystic in their minds, even when married to the woman they love. This erotized woman of their desires, in many cases, leads to guilt and a sense of sinful betrayal and as a consequence, the objectified female remains hidden deep within their subconsciousness yet she demands to be released and become manifested in real life. But there is a problem! In the normal loving husband and father, this release cannot take place without breaking moral codes such as having an affair and thus the internalized woman of their dreams is found, by way of crossdressing, to legitimize the desired women of his imagination. The man than “becomes” the woman of his erotic quest! The women, in the reality she knows of herself, is lost to his fantasy of choice;  the Goddess of his imagination and his Imitation of Reality.”

Reality Is Like Fine Wine

One of my favourite blogs is titled A-MUSED in which the author attempts to make the connections of life through… “jots and dots. lines and curves. scribbles and dribbles. reading between the lines of life unfolding. Longing to live daily with gentility, elegance and grace.” This morning he spoke of the meaning of reality which echoed much of the theme of mine own blog and especially my posting Through Male Eyes.
His post went like this:

“I learned an invaluable lesson from a wealthy and successful businessman here in Portland who owns a chain of coffee shops. A few of us were sitting in one of his shops one morning, and another friend asked if we had seen the World Series of Poker on TV the night before. None of us had, but that mention led to a conversation about gambling. My friend who owns the coffee shops told us, in a tone of kindness and truth, that nobody he knows who is successful gambles; rather, they work hard, they accept the facts of reality, they enjoy life as it is. “But the facts of reality stink,” I told him. “Reality is like a fine wine,” he said to me. “It will not appeal to children.” And I am grateful that my friend stung me in that way, because this truth helped me understand and appreciate life itself, as it is, without the false hope that formulas offer.”

Refusing to be Normal

“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.”
― Tara Kelly

The Path to Self Recognition

From the time I started this blog, my journey has been an attempt to discover who I am as a person. Along the way I discovered much about myself, some horribly silly thoughts and postings, while others hit a nerve of understanding that resonated a truth that I was hiding and feared to acknowledge. The following posts will be a change of direction as far as my issues with crossdressing are concerned, for I have come to terms with the anxiety associated with that matter. Nonetheless, the thoughts of where and how this all started continue to haunt my understanding and so I carry on.

Though the Christmas season is upon us and with all the hustle and bustle it presents for me as a musician and family man I will, over the next few weeks (perhaps months,) endeavour to revisit my own experiences of this phenomenon, as well as my continuing efforts to understand the source from whence it originated. But for now I offer a few thoughts that may be of interest.

The Individual and Crossdressing

Recent communications with a fellow blogger have prompted me to revisit my posting: “Crossdressing Reprised,” a posting in which I put forth a few theories as to why some males’ (myself included) desire on occasion to wear female clothing, despite an awareness of the social or religious taboos associated with this behaviour. When writing the posting, I was attempting to delve into the psychology of why ordinary men; musicians, teachers, pastors, loving husbands and fathers, fall into a state of mind that finds them responding to an irrational conscious state-of-mind that finds them appending a feminine demeanour to their masculinity. On my own journey of life I have often speculated if it was possible that as individuals, with unique souls, we are acting upon a personal journey that connects our brains as well as our soul’s distinctiveness, with what and whom we are and which in turn, finds us in conflict with not only the control exerted by societal sanction, but also with our subconscious minds as well?

On the surface, the crossdressers “compulsion” to touch the feminine, despite the awareness of his accepted masculine reality, would appear to be ridiculous, or even a sign of mental instability. After all, our individual sense of ourselves has been willingly corralled and directed to act like everyone else. Thus why on earth would anyone who accepts the social definition of sanity, have a desire to consciously dress, or even moderately contemplate, wearing the clothing of their opposite sex? Is it possible something much deeper than a mere reaction to sexual desire or stimulation is taking place? Is it not conceivable that something more than gender, hormones, history, culture and environment or religious belief is being activated here?

In reading the blogs of others on this subject, it is apparent to me a common thread runs through them; crossdressing is an on-going issue and if not actualized, at least in thought or attempts to quill its effects, remains a lifelong predisposition.

It is an issue that provides them pleasure, as well providing enormous feelings of guilt and shame. A remorseful sense of disgrace that they have betrayed not only themselves, but their wives and loved ones as well. What is not so evident however, yet appears to be implicit in their self confessed histories, is an enduring apprehension (denied in their shadowy subconscious but understood as true,) that they perceive they are different from other males and as a result of their compulsiveness, perhaps more than the act of crossdressing itself, this feeling of dissimilarity, this touching the home of their subconsciousness is the gateway to their guilt and shame and in turn, the cause of their anxiety?

My questions therefore are these…….

1. Why do some men, perfectly socialized by all accounts, drift from the conventionally accepted or collective understanding of what a male is, into a mental state of desiring something they are not?
2. Why is it that this state of mind captivates some males while in others it has no meaningful affect at all that would see them desiring to partake in such behaviour?
3.  Why do some men transgress the boundaries of a known reality (their masculinity) and venture into socially and religious unacceptable behaviour in their yearning to imitate, or at the very least, moderately display, a desire for a female persona? Could it be, by way of a personal perception, behind the public persona displayed is the Shadow they fear to confront? The true reality they in actual fact know themselves to be, but struggle desperately to refute?
4.  Is the “sin” or the imperfection in their human character that continually drives them to undertake their crossdressing behaviour, the part of their Ego or Self they simply refuse to come to terms with?
5.  Is it perhaps the denial that they “are an individual” and not the model of expectancy which society has fated them to be; that is known within the deepest part of their souls that they are more than the sum of the common or religious understanding of maleness and are reluctant to face?

These are the questions that I desire to find answers to, the questions that without my wife’s contribution by way of countless dialogues we undertook to resolve our situation of these and many other issues, neither I nor her would have achieved the tranquil place we find ourselves in today. Communication was the key and something that was lost between us for so many years and without which, to understand our two distinct personalities, or the enormous difference between our genetic and hormonal make-up, the harmony we have since found in a marriage of individualities would never have been achieved.

Carl Jung, the father of psychoanalysis postulated that we are not born as empty vessels; becoming rational humans only by way socialization. He saw that deep within every human being lays a “collective subconscious” (a soul) that was given to us at birth and something we ignore at our peril.  “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”  I, like most males, am a dreamer, but my quest is to awake!

Until next time, Merry Christmas to one and all.

Does God Worry About Crossdressing?

Introduction

When I wrote my last blog I did not intend it to be a comment on religion. However, in reading the questions contained in a recent comment regarding the religious aspects of the posting, my reply grew to such an extent that I felt since I was preparing a blog on the subject anyway, this post will serve as a reply as well as serving as my views on the subject. But before I say anything else I will quote from the book “The Soul’s Religion: Cultivating a Profoundly Spiritual Way of Life” by Thomas Moore which encapsulates much of what I am about to say:

“I don’t mind talking about God in the proper context and in moderation – but the first commandment – Do not honour false Gods – always gives me pause. Unless I use the name cautiously, I fear I will fall into the worst kind of idolatry – the illusion that in these mysterious matters I know exactly what I am talking about ……”

Thus it was that I left the realm of “organized” religion. But lest I give the wrong impression I will say that I respect the religion beliefs of the person who posed the questions, I am just not sure his beliefs apply to me.

I will not pretend that I know anything when it comes to God for I cannot be certain, nor do I believe can anyone else be sure, they know or have a fuller knowledge of the infinite we call God than I do. All I can do is attempt to understand and thus live my life with my idea of God. In this light perhaps the only suitable answer is a quote from Micah 6:8. “Do Justice, love kindness and walk humbly with your God.”

The Questions

• If you have left the God of organized Christianity, the God of the Bible, than how do you get your truth about who God is and what he thinks is good and what he doesn’t?

First off I came into this world and was baptized a Christian (RC) so I do have a foundational belief in God. But the reader has made an assumption that is incorrect. He has assumed that because I left organized religion, I have left behind my historical Christian understanding of God and the Bible as well which is untrue. I value highly the precepts of Christianity as I do other religious beliefs and understand there is much “Truth” in the Bibles contents. However I have rejected a concept that God can be captured and contained by a literal understanding of the Bible as being “True.”

I have come to see that organized religion is just that. It is a set of organized dogmas and beliefs that placed limits on my understanding of God. God did not create robots but gave us a brain to conceive of him in an adult manner and not in a child-like (not childish) way. Holding on to a concept of God we learned as children that continues well into our adult years, reduces God to a finite notion and places limitations upon an omnipotent and omnipresent deity which for me is an impossibility.

Being merely human, I don’t know how life all started, how the universe was created or how big the universe is and I suspect if anyone were truly honest with themselves, they would have to admit the same. Religion for me is a vehicle towards that understanding and not the ultimate answer, neatly packaged for us by a particular church that treats its followers as children and not adults. All of life and its continual creation is a mystery beyond any concrete human understanding and as such, is far outside our human ability to comprehend it. I have faith that God exists and that is all I can have with my limited mind, for faith is the only truth we can have when faced with the unfathomable; “Not a God on a leash.” (Steve Bell)

It is precisely for this reason that I feel books like the Bible should not become books of enslavement, or as another form of idolatry. GOD IS! He does not need to be explained in finite terms. God is the personification of a mystery that defies conceptualization and the Bible only becomes Truthful when it opens our hearts and minds and gives meaning to our own mystical experience of God and not a hammer for an understanding of God as one looking for retribution.

Because our brains cannot fathom the awesomeness of God the written metaphorical record contained in books like the Bible are attempts to do so. That is all they can be. All cultures, from primitive times on, have used the metaphor of word and ritual as a “believable-mythology” that was never intended be taken literally as it was in childhood, but to give hope for adults to comprehend the incomprehensible and provide us with an adult and mature human understanding through mythological symbology for that which we cannot grasp. I should note that word mythology is not to be taken to mean fable or fairy tale. I do not use these terms as demeaning to others belief. They simple represent for me the state of organized religion as I see it: stuck and unable to move beyond a medieval system that presupposes a complete and irrefutable understanding of God when God is a mystery and therefore immeasurable.

• Is your God just a God of your understanding?

I mean no disrespect, but is not your understanding of God, or anyone else’s understanding of God, only the God of your understanding? By purporting to know and understand God, God becomes what we wish God to be and not what we are incapable of understanding in an omnipresent being. All we have in reality is our own faith and as the psychoanalysis David Richo says, “The lowest common denominator of human faith is the acknowledging of a reality that transcends human power and human limitations.”

• Is your God just whoever you want him to be? How do you know that God is within you?

Again, I think it important to point out, I only use the word God to define that which is indefinable and not as an object of definability. The human quest to know God is with us from birth and an innate part the collective conscious of all humanity. Thus it is not uncommon to find similarities between stories found in the Bible and in other ancient narratives, myths of other cultures, or even the beliefs of most primitive of tribes even when they have had no contact with each other. This was evident to Carl Yung when he developed his theory of the Collective Consciousness; how was it possible he asked, that such similarities existed between cultures and histories that were never in contact with each other? His conclusion was that all humans are born with an innate need to believe in something other than themselves. God exists in these transcriptions as mythologems because that is the only way we can describe that which we cannot fathom and thus can only be recognized through faith and not conscious understanding, subjective opinion or imposition. It is for this reason when I say God is within me, what I am attempting to articulate; “I am more than I seem to be and something more than me upholds me.” (D. Richo)

•  How do you know that he likes your understanding of gender or crossdressing?

Does the God you understand have time to dwell on crossdressing when there is so much evil in the world? I think not. This notion that God is concerned about “my” crossdressing or yours is once again the understanding of God in a Parent – Child relationship. Somewhat akin to a Santa Claus who is going to check “our” names on his list to see “if we have been naughty or nice.” 

In reading your blog I sense the stress and struggle you have placed upon yourself by living by the “rules” of pleasing the God of your understanding. It illustrates very clearly the difference between our concepts of God and the theme of my last posting. Yours (As I perceive it) is a religious belief that is based on punishment and reward, good and bad and living a “religious” life before a God who is only waiting for you to trip up and place another black mark is his book “of you.” Therefore (as I perceive it) you will never attain the life you think God wants you to live until you release your understanding of the God of the Bible and replace him with the God that dwells inside of you and has always been there. Believing otherwise can only lead to more stress and guilt because you will always be wrestling and struggling with a God who expect you to be a deity and not human. It may be crossdressing or may be something else but until you truly understand yourself, outside the box of what you believe is (a life time’s work) you will never be at peace with neither God nor yourself.

The reason I left the school of organized religion was because I came to understand my inclination to a limited form of crossdressing (underwear) has more to do with my personality and my soul’s content than it does with interrupting my pathway to God, though I could say finding my souls content would also be a method of finding God. Our understanding of ourselves leads us to a closer understanding of whom or what God is in relationship to the created being we are. Life should never become stagnated but remain fluid in our relationship with the created world around us. In allowing the Bible to become a rule book to govern one’s behaviour, one loses one’s soul and individuality, the very essence that makes us different from everyone else in the created universe. Thus one is bound to be caught up in guilt knowing the “God-parent” disapproves and in so doing, one loses sight of the true nature of why one crossdresses and what it is about oneself that desires to do so despite an organized understanding of God as a God of reputation. Crossdressing is something you do for reason only you know but allow me to suggest, instead of using the guilt you have for an action you do, perhaps you could use the action and the guilt it causes, as a step towards understand yourself and why you feel it separates you from God of your understanding. The ninth-century Buddhist master Lin Chi is purported to have said, “If you meet the Buddha on the road, kill him.” This may sound ridicules but it makes a valuable point in what I am trying to say: to turn the Buddha (or the bible) into a religious fetish is to miss the essence of what it teaches us about ourselves or as a record of universal truth.

•  You have interesting thoughts in this post, some of them profound. And you certainly are allowed to leave the God of organized religion, the God of the Bible.

I find it interesting that you see only the God of the Bible as being the one and only way to see or experience God. I can appreciate you may have a God that you think you understand, (and if that is reality for you I am happy for you) But it is in many respect like a man who thinks he understands women and we know where that leads (lol)

To dismiss the understanding of God that others have is in my view wrong if not harmful to a fuller understanding of God. Your belief in the Christian God has only come about I suspect, because of your parent’s belief in the same God of their understanding and their parents as well and so on. Thus in effect, it is in many respects a belief in your parent’s belief and so the only belief you have been exposed to. Stepping out or questioning this ancestral understanding of God to find the God that is within you is the challenge and it does take courage.

The Ever Present Power of Women

Each living person has a soul; an identifying essence that tells us who we are. It is a conscious and an unconscious energy that flows throughout our being at every moment in time and space. It does not lie nor attempt to deceive us. It is simply there and is what it is irrefutably. To dismiss it, refute its presence, or run from its existence, is to deny our created selves and live life in fantasy as a mere imitation of the reality we were created to be when we entered this world.

It all began with the women in my life and remains so to this very day. Their mystical energy and creative power throughout the universe has had an enormous influence on the consciousness of my masculine identity. Simply being the creatures they are, they have shaped and formed within me, a desire to hold the spiritual essence and life force only they possess.

Grandmother, mother, aunts and sisters, my loving wife, and every women who has passed in and out of my life have all unknowingly gripped my soul and through no fault of their own, have been or are; Loving Goddess’, Virgin Mary’s, Healing Mother’s, Goddess’ of Life, Sexual Temptresses, Tormentors of my soul, Spiritual Mentors and the Embodiment of the Divine.

I have feared them, loved them, ran from them and ran to them. I have cried with them and have cried for need of them, scorned them and admired them and to this very moment, their shadow and energy extends to the depths of my soul. The story of my life has been these influences and my own life force of masculinity has been marked by their holy presence and as with all things holy and sacred, my human mind cannot fathom the depths of this heavenly presence, but can only make an attempt to understand it.

Over the course of the last 18 months I have, through this blog, endeavoured to analyse and understand this lifelong and complex neurosis that has been the source of so many insecurities I have confronted in my masculine soul. I have read countless books, followed innumerable blogs; spent immeasurable moments in dialogue with my wife and have written hundreds of pages in my attempt to examine this extraordinary power that women exert over me and yet………. I still do not understand its meaning, its place in my life, the root causes of its existence, or the immense dark hole of apprehension it places upon my soul.

If I were to use a word to describe this phenomenon it would be Philogyny, a rare word I will admit– so rare in fact even goggle, with a result of only 35,000 entries, sees 99% of those results a repetitive definition of the word. It is also one with a rather straightforward and innocuous meaning, yet as harmless as it may appear, its significance has much to do with everything I have mentioned above.

To elaborate, it comes from the Greek; philo meaning loving and gynē meaning woman, with the most common definition in usage today being “a fondness, love, or admiration towards women.” It may be of interest to note as well, there are only four words out of the 228,132 found in the 20 volume Oxford English Dictionary ending in –gyny and excluding the others, philogyny and misogyny remain. Two words that could not be more dissimilar in meaning. As one linguist put it, “this anomaly among men must surely tell us something about the world we live in, loving women or hating women?”

Suffice it to say, after so many years of experiencing its existence, I do not see it any longer as wayward sexual energy, for what I experience is far, far beyond that. It is true; I have engaged in play-acting in a silly manner on occasion and allow this feminine force to pierce my male consciousness. However, it is important to understand it neither allows me to deny my masculinity nor by accepting its nature, propose that I wish to fool anyone into believing I am anything other than the male I am, for it does not possess my soul. The real sin would be if I allowed this energy to draw me away from my souls intended identity, not the action per se.

This may appear to be academic semantics, but in coming to understand this, it has allowed me to recognize there is a vast difference between crossdressing as a deviance, i.e. something that robs one of their character and soul by taking them off the path of discovering the person they were born to be, and that of allowing ones masculinity to be touched and embraced by a feminine presence. (Heaven knows this world could use much more feminine nurturing to dislodge the testosterone so prevalent around us.)

In any case what is more important for me; in coming to understand this as being a part of who I am as opposed to something to run from or feel guilty about is: I no longer fear this presence within me as something evil, nor will I allow it to wash me in guilt as it so often did in the past.

Once I left the God of organized religion behind me; you know the one – ever watchful with the hammer in hand – I found the God who created me as the unique person I am; the God who wishes me to find him though all aspects of life; good and bad and the God who gave me all the tools I would ever need to know him from the moment I was born. Once I came to understand and be aware this God’s presence within me rather than outside me, I came to appreciate that life is not harmful or evil if we dispel the notion of duality. By allowing ourselves to be caught up in good and bad, we automatically separate ourselves from the God of – Him up there and me down here. But I will save this for another post. Suffice it to say I am not good and neither am I bad. Nor does the wearing of garments present a Y in the road that tells me – “take this one it’s good…. take that one and you’re on the road to hell.” © Imitations of Reality.com

Crossdressing Reprised

Dear J,
Since it has been sometime since we have discussed the topic of crossdressing, I thought I would bring you up to date with my ever fluid thoughts on the matter. I have as you know, tried unsuccessfully to get to the bottom of this odd characteristic of mine, but I feel I am getting closer with each word I write. I’m sure anyone reading my blog would think a Chameleon was its author for the many changes in thought that have occurred. Whatever the case, it is a journey that began after many years of darkness in hiding my emotional experiences and to arrive where you and I are today has given me hope that I am not as insane as I once believed.

New Thoughts on an Old Subject

I see crossdressing as an action that appeases a mysterious – and at times – overpowering emotional sensitivity which is expressed by means of clothing in an imaginative world of femininity. It is important that you note the word “imaginative,” as I use it deliberately in as much as I understand quite well who and what I am in my masculine mind and physiology but as you know, questioned even that at times. But I have left those thoughts behind as junk collected on my journey and now discarded. At any rate it is a pleasurable activity and one that fulfills, however naively, the gap between reality and awareness of something other than the masculine which I present to the world.

As silly as all that may sound, it is I have come to understand, a strange and unexplainable place I find myself in at times nonetheless. Though I see myself as a rational and somewhat intelligent person; coming to terms with a lifelong sense of alienation with my soulful-self has always left me exasperated, in as much as what transpires by means of an unattainable and imaginative sense of being, can grip me in such an illogical way as to question all I know of my personality and character.

In any case, as you and I are followers of “Vested Interest’s” blog, I must say he has had a great influence on my present approach to the subject. I fully concur with his posting: Born Identity in which he makes a very valid argument our sexuality if not our gender as well, cannot be misplaced as much as the psychological community or the many blogs on crossdressing would have us believe in redefining the meaning of those words. Like the story of the “Emperor’s New Clothes,” coming to believe we are more than our chromosomal make-up (except in very rare cases) is simply nonsense. However, though I would never deny who I am physically, by my own experience I can honestly say my life from early memory on, many times is caught in a duality of emotion that sees me identifying with more than what I perceive my masculinity to be.

It is, as I experience it, an undeniable psychological imbalance that draws me back and forth between birth masculinity and introspective femininity, with crossdressing becoming the psychological mediator of appeasement. I am no longer stressed by this, for after 65 years I see it as part of me and in dwelling on it, I am simply using my investigative outlook on life to understand its raison d’être. Whatever the core motivation may be, I sense it is a result of males being held more accountable for their outward expression of emotion than are females, thus we absorb our feelings interiorly. It could also be, in early childhood, while being stifled in our emotional expressions, we made unconscious associations with clothing that told us the wearer was permitted to express their feelings, while we were not. It is even conceivable that the connection to clothing is carried forth subconsciously into our adult life, appearing when needed to satisfy emotional requirements, which further confirms my understanding that the attachment of female apparel has nothing to do with identifying oneself as female but is more related to historic circumstances of childhood which Dr. Wilder Penfield stated in is essay “Memory Mechanisms” referred to in the book “I’m OK You’re OK.” (page 25 – Freud, Penfield, Bern) I think it a plausible hypothesis that certain emotional aspects that took place in early childhood trigger an irrational response in later life and blur our understanding of reality. For instance we often see children mollified by the use of a blanket or a teddy bear and in much the same manner I suggest, crossdressing in adulthood appeases an emotional need that social standards prohibit males attaining.

In any case, for me, the triggers are subliminal and I cannot in all honesty deny the overwhelming part they play in my make-up or how I deal with life in general. Correlating this pull on my character through crossdressing, (whether morally wrong by way of religious or societal convention,) to match an affinity of emotion to an unknown motivation, has always been seen by me as a troublesome response to what I suspect are deeper psychological divisions within me due to a difficult childhood. Nonetheless with your help I have overcome much and realistically or not, continue to experience this duality and bear witness to its affects on my person, our marriage and my life. It is something which defies logic but with trust and understanding it is me to you and you to me.

Thoughts during the Dog Days of Summer

To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to:

During these dog days of summer, I have been catching up with books on my bookshelf, but more importantly I have been reading the many blogs I have bookmarked dealing with the issue many men have with their crossdressing persona.

I should state that I am not referring to those who wish to dress, act or appear as women in public or in any other capacity that would have them deny their own sexuality. Though I find these blogs intriguing, it is something I could never see a bearded man doing and therefore will not comment upon.

What I am referring to are those many males (and I truly believe there are many) who throughout their lives for reasons unknown to them, have sensed an innate part of their soul’s character to be feminine, or at the very least, not the male of their genetic understanding. Perhaps better stated, a small yet essential part of their make-up transcends their masculinity and calls out to be expressed in some fashion (usually through clothing) in order to make them whole. By that I do not mean they are effeminate in nature, nor do I mean they desire to be female. But in the depths of their consciousness they feel and understand they are more than the simple definition of masculinity contained in the social prison of gender recognition.

Far beyond the conscious awareness of the masculine identity with which they happily reside, their souls also contain a spiritual longing, to unite their physical maleness to the psychological female they know exists within. They yearn to touch and take upon themselves that which they feel is the ultimate of God’s creation as seen in the essence of the female. These men clearly understand and acknowledge their sexual identity as male and yet have a deep and soulful wish in some mysterious fashion, to grasp and take upon themselves an element that is far beyond their physical capacity to reach and yet deep within they sense it as being as much a part of their souls as is the physical male reality they present.

The stress of this knowledge can affect much of their daily existence and for some, can lead to a deep and sometimes depressive existence in trying to reconcile the knowledge of who they are with their religious and family values. Many of these men are in loving relationships which only compounds their struggle of appending their souls to the conscious world of reality. How distressing it is to see that in this struggle they find the loving environment they wish to maintain with their wives or girlfriends is usurped by a demand to conform their souls to their partner’s concept of who they are as individuals.

These men are robbed of their individuality (and lose their souls in the process,) when they become slaves to the wishes of others. As an example; a man may show all the devotion and commitment to his partner that he can possibly display, but will still be cast as abnormal if in an attempt to bring harmony into their lives when he reveals to his wife or partner the problem he is suffering. He can be faithful and loving in all aspects of the vows they undertook in joining their lives together for life, yet if his spouse desires conformity and orthodoxy as a sign of love over the characteristics that make him who he is as an individual, the marriage will be but an illusion of happiness. The allure of the feminine will not disappear as readily as they or their wives may wish, but to dismiss it as a sin, a deviance, a mark of evil, only compounds the problem as a denial of who they have been from birth AND as a creation of God.

I’ve experienced all of this and more in my 41 years of marriage, especially with regards to my play acting through clothing. For 36 years of marriage my wife and I played a game…  “You be the person I want you to be and I’ll be the person you want me to be.” Never mind the consequences that will result from that silliness. It was a fantasy world that robbed each of us of who we were as individuals and which in the end, almost wrecked an otherwise loving and devoted marriage by attempting to take possession of each other’s souls for our own purposes, or to dispel a fear of losing the other in expressing the heart and soul of what makes us the person we are.

Through serious and open dialogue, what I learned about my wife’s fears was the clothing issue per se was never the problem. It was the social and religious perception of deviating from the norm, as well as a fear of losing me to an illusion of femininity or the thought that this life time aspect of my personality would become a transformation to something else, even though I presented no evidence that I wished to be anything other than the male I was. The resulting anxiety of all this confusion in hiding my soul as witnessed in my blog, became a life robbing struggle and denial of who I was to fit my wife’s idea of manhood and masculinity, which saw the stress of it all culminate in six heart attacks, depression and loss of mental health, simply because of a desire to conform to something I was incapable of being.

I bless my wife every day for her wisdom and understand in seeing the man she married poses no threat to our marriage by way of what undergarments he may wear. Yes many men like me may perhaps be eccentric, unconventional or unusual but I am not mad or any less a devoted husband and father. I am finally at peace with myself and have no other desire than to be the person my wife married and to live my life with her forever. If only other men could be so lucky.

Deviance and the Social Construct of Clothing

Some thoughts on a Sunday evening.

We are all affected by labels in one form or another; either labelling others if they do not fit our personal view of the world or, in attempting to conform to the world view of others, try not be labelled ourselves. In many respects society, like religion, uses labelling to maintain a certain order, setting out standards of behaviour for its members, whether subliminally or consciously which affect both the actor of the behaviour and the audience who labels the actor. As Howard Becker, the American Socialist stated in his book Outsiders, “…social groups create deviance by making rules whose infraction creates deviance, and by applying those roles to particular people we thereby label them as outsiders.” In this respect, deviance is not so much the activity the person commits per se, but rather the definition applied to it by others in rules and sanctions set as labels on the ‘offender.’ The deviant is one to whom that label has been successfully applied and as a consequence, the deviant’s behaviour, being an abnormal divergence from the norm, becomes an activity that society forbids.

When Crossdressers become labelled in this manner, they are not only stigmatized by society, they also stigmatize and label themselves and in so doing, become guilt ridden and depressive in return, even though they be good and outstanding citizens. In my own experience, what I find particularly unusual about this labelling behaviour, is how firmly fixed and ingrained this self-reproach became, even when my activity was done in private and harmed no one.

Be that as it may, it is a very odd thing how society’s fixation with clothing, evolving as it has from biblical scripture to a social labelling system of one’s sexuality, remains to this day as such a forbidden activity when gender specifics come in to play. This exclusivity of garments (what belongs to whom and who can wear what) in some respect can be seen as fetishism in reverse; an obsessive compulsive disorder which revolves around a  preoccupation and fear of sexuality more than it does dress and is for the most part it, something we only apply to men and not women. No one would bat an eye if, in my part of the world, I were to don my kilt and venture forth down the streets of the town. But if I were to take off the sporran, turned the kilt around and have the pleats in the front instead of the back, or if I was to encounter a sudden gust of wind, the world would collapse if my feminine underwear were to be exposed instead of “traditional” dress.

A woman shall not be clothed with man’s apparel, neither shall a man use woman’s apparel : for he that doeth these things is abominable before God. Deuteronomy 22:5 Douay-Rheims Bible

The photo on the left depicts the clothing of men and women in early biblical times. I have always been befuddled as to where the distinctions lie, or how Deuteronomy’s edict on clothing was to be applied. Aside from the natural anatomical difference of facial hair and structure there would have been no appreciable distinction in dress, yet we cling to this ambiguity as a code of social conduct nonetheless. Clothing is designed for the most part, for practicality and to fit the human form. This of course is particularly true when it comes to undergarments (or lack of same in the kilt tradition) where they become gender specific to accommodate anatomical structure, fashion and comfort. Where the deviant label becomes attached to the male who wishes to wear any of this harmless attire, whether for comfort, enjoyment or otherwise; is in the collision of the social paradigm of ethics and in doing so, sees something as harmless as clothing, or personal preference become mired in the morality code of modesty and decency.

I do not argue for or against the part morality plays in society, but merely point out that it is only when the social contexts of clothing’s becomes wrapped in the religious anxiety of sexuality, that it than enters deeply into our subconscious mind and becomes labelled as a source of guilt and shame. Then and only than do clothes go from the innocuous harmless items they are, to becoming the “thou shalt not’s,” and the “forbidden.”

© 2011 Imitations of Reality

A Good Read

For what it is worth I ran across this article in the Atlantic Magazine today, “The Brain on Trial” which I found very interesting. Though it deals with criminal minds and has nothing to do with Crossdressing per se; there is much to digest in what is stated with regards to how the mind works. Genes in particular, as I have always thought, play more of an important role then science has known to this point and on many levels dictates much of how our actions and behaviour whether we like it or not.

Transvestism or Crossdressing

Hi dear,
Just curious – is there a difference between being a transvestite and a cross dresser? To me they are the same, what do you think? I’m simply tracing the genesis of our present understanding.
Love you,
J

Hi J,
To answer your question, I’ll give you a short history lesson.
The word Transvestite was coined by Magnus Hirschfeld, a German physician and pioneer in the study of sexology. He is generally credited with being the first to distinguish crossdressing as an activity which was different from that of homosexuality. But from what I have gathered, he saw it as sexual fetish, or an activity that provided sexual arousal and that is the thought pattern that is still used to this day by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders whereby they classify any person who obtains pleasure from wearing clothing of the opposite sex as suffering from a “transvestic fetish.”

I have a problem with that because the writers and practitioners who use the DSM manual have a concept of crossdressing which they “label” and prejudge all men who dress, even if occasionally in women’s clothing, as having a paraphilia which involves sexual arousal and gratification, something I and many others personally do not agree with. That is not to say that I do not derive psychological pleasure or excitement from it, for I most definitely do. Thus the word Transvestite for me is a medical term that I feel does not apply to me per se and one which I try my best to avoid, save for the occasional slip of the tongue.

So how do I define my Crossdressing?
I see it as a pleasurable activity that allows me to enter, at least exteriorly, the world my philogenist mind-set dwells in. By that I mean, I understand I am not female and have no desire to become female, but I do have an extreme adoration for everything female and feminine. I believe there are many men out there like me who, for whatever reason, emotionally identify with the female sex. In saying that I do not imply they wish to be female, but only that their natural male attraction to females becomes keener to a degree where their subconscious love of the feminine becomes an overwhelming desire to acquire unto themselves that which they acknowledge they cannot physically become. It is my reverence of the females physical beauty, something I can never possess, that sees me playacting the illusion of femininity; that imitation of reality which though is not sexual in nature is in the end a source of comfort and joy.

© 2011 Imitations of Reality

Polishing Up My Act

Hilarious adventures in Role Playing

I painted my toe nails last night for the first time. I suppose that may not be out of the ordinary given my inclinations, but it was in any case something new. There was no particular excitement attached to it, save for the fact that it never really crossed my mind to do it before and given that my playacting was never a sexual thing anyway. In any case, being rather conservative in my approach to all of this, the colour and the finished product looked rather nifty as I looked down at my feet and gazed upon the sheen of a nondescript colour on my toenails. But it is the story behind the painting that I found amusing and I hope you see the humour in it as well.

As I mentioned in my last posting, my wife is now comfortable with my playacting on the stage of our house and I also cited my reluctance to actually follow through in her presence if the mood were to take place. It’s no big deal; because I am happy that the most difficult aspect of my crossdressing, as mild as it is, was to release my guilt of always doing this in secret and to let her know about this aspect of the man she married. Thus aside from me wearing panties, and talking a great deal about the subject, we are still dancing around the idea of it all with nothing else taking place, which as I said does not leave me disappointed.

In many ways the whole situation reminds me of our courtship ritual 41 years ago. We were both in love with each other and desperately wanted to have sex. With the world being a different place back then, neither of us could get around to finding the words to say it and thus it became a ritualistic dance which in many respects we are playing out all over again. Both having knowledge of my other persona yet seemly unable to make the break through to allowing things to run their course. So this posting not only shows the steps in this comical life we now play out, but also the funny moments that can take place with my reluctance to display and her ambivalence in seeing no threat to her marriage.

Now to set the stage I have to tell you I am one of those people who never take their socks off from the time I shower in the morning to the time I shower at night. I just never feel comfortable walking around in bear feet. In any case, yesterday being the hottest day of the year my wife suggested I take them off as she thought I would be much more comfortable. I balked of course (old habits being difficult to change) but a few hours later while watching a ballgame I thought, “why not?” So off came the socks. A few moments later I happened to look down at those bear toenails and my mind instantly flashed back to an episode that took place a day earlier when I watched her painting her toenails. I observed this ritual like a scientist almost, watching each stroke of the brush being applied so carefully.

It was an intriguing process to me and something I never thought of doing to my own feet before which prompted the question; “Why do women paint their nails?” Her answer was vague to say the least: “I don’t really know dear; perhaps because it looks nice?” The fuzzy answer was a correct one when one thinks on it. She was doing something that was normal female behaviour; a ritual of her female sex. As a matter of fact it was so routine and such a natural form of behaviour for her, the vagueness conveyed did not require a detailed explanation at all. She was “femaleing” and therefore her answer did not necessitate a detailed study in structural semantics. She was being a “She;” end of conversation!

Oops!! Do I hear the distant voices of social constructivist thinking preached at me now? I wonder if Cleopatra ever ran into those people? All those slaves around whispering…”She only gets all dolled up because it’s a social construct and if she were a real woman none of this la-de-da lip and nail polishing act would ever take place.” LOL!
Okay, I’m off my soap box and back to the story!

After listening to my wife’s vague answer while painting her toenails, she jokingly said to me, “Want me to do yours?”  Now you have to understand my wife’s intent with regards to this question. Though she may be comfortable with the idea of my crossdressing behaviour, it remains a purely academic understanding of my desire to don female apparel and not one which would find her encouraging me to show more of my acting prowess. Regardless, remaining timid as I am to doing any fe-maling in front of her I declined, even though the thought was running through my head nonetheless. (Told you it is a slow dance.)

In any case, having exposed my bare feet and toes while watching the ballgame, the subliminal stimuli I mentioned in my posting (The Manchurian Candidate Theory of Crossdressing) seemed to take hold and the image of my wife painting her nails suddenly arose. “Why not me too?” I asked myself. Thus there I was, with nude feet, contemplating a polished look on my toenails when suddenly she walked into the room. “You have your socks off” she said in amazement and in my surprise at her entrance I burst out, “And you can do my feet now “thinking of course that she understood the intent of my words as being polish my nails in reference to her invitation to paint them the night before.

“Well just hold on, I’ll bring some water to soak your feet as your nails should be softened up first.” WHAT? She was actually going to do this? She was going to be the first one to break the ice and stop the dancing?

She returned in a short while with a foot soaker, cream and a bunch of other things. “Soak your feet dear and I’ll be right back” And off she went. I sat there in utter amazement with this open display of her willingness to engage in my activity and I will have to admit I was getting very excited with the prospect of her joining me on the stage of my acting career.

“Feet must be soft by now uh?” she said in re-entering the room. “How’s the game going?” The game I thought? What game, let’s get the show under way……..

She began with a foot massage. Slowly rubbing the tops of my feet with great detail. Than out came the nail clippers. “My, my you haven’t been looking after your feet dear.” Anxiety was getting to me at this point………. “Come on babe, get the nail polishing bit I thought….”

“There, all done! I think I should do this a couple of times a week dear as your feet need attention.” And off she went with the water and her creams. “Hope your team wins this time.”

WHAT! That’s it?! No polish?  I was flabbergasted. Not sad, not angry but just …. disappointed I guess and feeling a bit foolish as well.

Later that evening we discussed the whole thing and had a great laugh and once again learned that in marriage as in life, if one wants something bad enough, one must make ones intentions clear…….LOL!

In any case, i now have polished nails (such as they are) even if I had to do myself, which in the end, was the only correct form after all.

© 2011 Imitations of Reality

After All This Time

My dearest G,
You may have noticed the new header accompanying this blog, The Masculine Illusion of Femininity . I think this title expresses the evolution of my thoughts with regards to my blogging and the steps I have taken to  understand what my crossdressing is all about. It is all play acting in many respects and cannot be anything else. A matter of self-hypnosis at times I think, whereby the actor becomes convinced he is the character he plays.

Since my last posting, and after many more intellectual conversations with you on the subject of crossdressing, I feel I am finally free of all the anxieties regarding my CD behaviour. I have even stopped asking the question “why,” though I must admit it lingers and rattles around in my head at times. Instead, I have taken to accepting your theory that “most men are eccentric when it comes to sex and in their illusions of what females are all about only fool themselves. I see no harm in that unless it consumes their souls or damages the lives of others.”

As you know from our conversations, my crossdressing is very much a private matter and is simply an occasional personal expression of my quirky personality. It is not an obsessive behaviour, nor does it necessitate make-up, shoes or jewellery. That is in no-way to imply that my actions do not knowingly cross socially accepted boundaries when it comes to what males are allowed to wear, but I see no harm if it does not endanger our relationship, cause you public embarrassment, or become sexually narcissistic behaviour.

I suffer no delusions that I am anything more than the sum of my biological parts, after all; dressing while living in my male reality is much easier than living with the pressure society places on women to always look their finest and as feminine and dare I say, youthfully sexy as possible. My beard would be a dead giveaway anyway…….LOL.

Even further, acknowledging my sex as real also negates the absurdity one sometimes finds on the net these days that would have us suppose we males have a tangible female-side that seems to exist as a physical or material part of our brains. I recently read a blog at CD Reflections that clearly articulates and debunks this position and is very similar in thought to my posting Through Male Eyes.

Whatever the case, it is a strange notion that attempts to justify for some males, by donning female apparel they sudden see themselves as truly female in all respects but physiologically after living their assigned sex most of their lives. And all this through some magic psychological elixir, which allows them to make a choice in changing their genetically assigned sex. That is not to say it cannot be done, or that there are not one in ten thousand who may be sexually wired differently from the rest of us. But at what cost to one’s soul, family and social network for the pleasurable sensation of wearing female clothing?

Enough ranting! Crossdressing may have many causes and many ways of being justified but this I find difficult to swallow. Perhaps if society had a broader scope when it came to the expression of human sexual emotions and manners of dress, many men would be more comfortable and not be so predispose to assume so quickly they are women and not men.

But I have digressed………What surprises me most about your acceptance of my eccentricity is how reluctant I have now become to change the pattern of my CD behaviour from one of a private undertaking to that of donning an article of female clothing in your presence. It could in some respects be equated to a child who cries and stamps his foot in wanting the parent to purchase a particular toy, and than once in their possession doesn’t play with it or want it at all!

Perhaps it is the shock of acceptance? After all, I have spent 50 years or more in thinking something was wrong with me and hiding my emotions from you and here, in my 65th year and the 41st of our marriage you tell me; “How sad that our marriage almost ended because we never communicated our inner most thoughts and emotions. I may laugh at the first sight of you in a skirt, but that should in no way imply I dismiss the history of where it comes from. Once we get over the awkwardness, it will all become routine and life will carry on.”

Perhaps the real reason for my reluctance to dress is the thought that your love for me transcends everything. It is in many ways a humbling experience because I know, deep down, that it is a love given freely by all mothers for their children and yes, even to their husbands who are in many respects children themselves at times. A curious statement I admit, but speaking as a male our love is ‘oft times conditional whereby in our self-centeredness and understanding of love, we ask for something in return. Perhaps now that you have relieved me of my guilt I, like the child who has been granted their wish for the toy, will have no further use for becoming an imitation of a reality in your presence after having felt the most redeeming feature of femininity there is; unconditional love! Something females have an abundance of which cannot be achieved by cross-acting the part of a female in clothing itself. What fools we men can be at times!

© 2011 Imitations of Reality

The Manchurian Candidate Theory of Crossdressing

Dearest G,

Having defined the root causes of my emotional kinship towards the feminine, in Part 5, I must ask where are we are now?  For many, many years crossdressing was an outlet of escaping the male responsibilities of fatherhood, job and husband and it was the running from those responsibilities due to my introverted nature that almost killed us. Today however we live a vastly different life now that the children no longer live at home and have come such a long way since the line of communication has been opened since my affair. Face to face dialogue, MSN messages when we desire to express our thoughts in an anomalous fashion in addition to emails, have allowed us to discuss anything on our minds as well as setting us free to be our own person within the marriage we undertook 41 years ago. God Bless correspondence!

Crossdressing and Me

That being said, the business of crossdressing, though not as dilapidating as we once thought, still raises the question of why? It has always been difficult for me to understand why it is I enjoy wearing female clothing and I am exasperatingly come to the point where I don’t believe I ever will but I will stay the course regardless. As you know from reading my blog, I have made many attempts at this and have had many theories and changes of heart in trying to discover this fault in my make-up that finds me wearing panties, and on occasion a bra under one of your blouses. (Love that pink one especially….lol) But a few things are clear to me when I look at the behaviour itself.  I do not get any special sexual kick from wearing any of the clothes per se. I do not wear make-up or wigs or jewellery, nor do I desire to leave the four walls of this house in an attempt to fool others into thinking I am a woman. I do not think of myself as a woman when I don these articles of apparel, (don we now our gay appeal…as the Christmas Carol goes ) though I will admit the wonder of womanhood does certainly enter and touch my consciousness in a dreamlike manner without affecting by sense of self. Thus I feel I can honestly say the dangerous elements of becoming so narcissistic or self-centered in the pre-occupation of a feminine alter-ego that would damage a marriage are not there BUT, one must still ask the question why? I know, understand and accept my created masculinity so there really is no threat to either of us of me changing my sex. Nonetheless there are moments on irregular bases’ and sometimes quite unexpectedly, where I do get carried away in daydreaming. What the triggers are I have never been sure, but I am confident you may argue, by allowing myself to engage in my crossdressing actively, I make a cognitive choice to do so that defies the norms of my Catholic religious boundaries. So allow me to offer a theory I have long thought to write that may give a partial though incomplete explanation to what may be taking place here.

The Manchurian Candidate of Crossdressing

I remember a very long time ago I watched a movie starring Frank Sinatra called The Manchurian Candidate.  The movie takes place during the Korean War and  Frank is taken prisoner by the Chinese. He is then subjected to brainwashing by the Russians to perform certain actions subconsciously whenever the “Queen of Diamonds” playing card appeared before him. Provoked by its appearance, he obeys orders which he then forgets. To make a long story short, I have at times wondered if the same reaction happens to me as well? Certain psychological experiences from my youth provoked by my feelings of loneliness and fear that only the feminine seemed to be mollify may be one? My ever so intense moments of un-worthlessness when I think of the “divine spirit” of the feminine compared to the “earthy” of males? I’ve probably written it several times about those moments when my physical body, in comparison to that of the female, gives cause for a cataclysmic cerebral collapse to an otherwise rational brain.

The problem with this theory is of course; correlating this phenomenon with what for the most part is a perfectly rational sense of myself and the world around me. Standing on a stage and performing, eating a meal with our children, or visiting a neighbour; none of the actions we are discussion enter my mind-set at all which must surely beg the question, if I am a rational human being and make rational choices, my actions than are of free choice and that argument too must certainly hold some validity. On the other hand, having lived a life of despondency over this once secretive behaviour, and seeing it now out in the open, perhaps the true answer to the thousands of words written is I simple enjoy it with no other motive attached? In any case I see all these triggers which instigate my behaviour as having a subconscious affect on my masculine brain and rightly or wrongly, by choice or otherwise, lead me to transgress my normally accepted maleness to one of worshipping you on the pedestal you so wish me to discard. Unfortunately, if all else is a fantasy, the pedestal is real even if I too which to abandon it.

It all relates to memory somehow I think. Where there is a very real sensitivity to actions and experiences performed and received in the past that directly or indirectly affect me today. Like the neurosurgeon Dr. Wilder Penfield’s discovery that the brain is much like a tape recorder and records all the good and bad occurrences from our youth, it’s all there. And like the Manchurian Candidate, all it takes is an exterior signal to my subconscious for a reaction to take place. I offer one more example….

While watching the ballgame the other night I saw a commercial for Time Life Music of the Early Sixties  and in doing so I was instantly transformed back to those days of my youth in 1960-61. I could see myself in the exact spot I was in when I heard the tune. Ever nuances of the voice, ever orchestrated note I knew by heart, even the scent of the air of my surroundings at that moment! Though the music and the performers are now 50 years removed, there I was reliving the experience once again and like my crossdressing, here I am still performing the same actions and singing the same tune.

© 2011 Imitations of Reality

Relationship Psychology

My dear J,

As I wrote the other day: Though I appreciate you have an inherent understanding of what is acceptably accorded males and females in dress, shape and body imagine, in many ways you are displaying the reactions of a wife who believes she has just discovered her husband is a homosexual and not simply a man who has an affinity for a woman’s body and her clothing. So let me try once again (gosh I love writing….lol) to explain the state of the world in our neck of the woods:

Ordinariness + Love + Un-Ordinary Husband = Conflicts
Perhaps the problem here is not mine alone dear but possibly what you have called your “ordinariness.” That is not a fault I would want to see corrected in you nor see you change for like the knowledge I have of myself, you are you body and soul, and should never be expected to exchange your soul for someone you are not. The other element that defines you as an individual is your ability to love unequivocally all those who touch your life. Thus these two traits are what people see and admire about you and they are the part of your psyche that you see as shaping the person you understand yourself to be.

Where I believe we have always had struggles in our marriage, and where our personal peace of mind becomes disrupted, is when those fixed and rudimentary understandings we know about ourselves; those elements that define us as individuals, clash with those we discover or see in our spouse that are foreign to the understanding of the world given to us by our parents and our social experience of life. Men are men; women are women, black is black, white is white. Men wear “men’s” clothing women wear “women’s’ clothing and life contains no grey areas.

Having decided 41 years ago to live our lives together we avoided, or perhaps were unaware of the variances in our individualities, so smitten and in love were we at the time. This is the illusion society fosters and that all people seemly have upon entering a marriage. They become blinded by emotion and miss the reality that every human’s soul has distinctiveness in diversity and history.  Without this crucial knowledge of human make-up, many conflicts arise that lead us to question if perhaps we had made the wrong choice. Thus the discords that arise become magnified when our sense of loyalty and love for our partner is at odds with the values we believed we saw in our spouses that matched our own. Fears develop and anxieties become disproportional because characteristic suddenly learned later in life appear to threaten our togetherness.

With this in mind it was these elements of conflict in individualism that often saw our marriage become unbalanced – you in your ordinariness seeing me as un-ordinary. I think it important that when I speak of individualism I do not imply self-centeredness. On the contrary! Our individualism is unique to us and therein lays the problem. Many people start out in married life believing the reason they love the other person is because they have found a reflection of themselves, a copy of their own psychological make-up. Thus the seed is planted when later they discover their spouse is not made in their own image but is a unique soul unto themselves and becomes labelled as being “un-ordinary,” by the commonplace person we see ourselves to be that fits well into societies labelling system. The emotional aspects of love somehow dispel the reality of individualism in as much as taking possession of our spouses soul  to placate the safe and warm feeling we have about ourselves is a far easier state of mind than to deal with any conflicts we wish did not exist. Though love is the emotional bond that holds us together, love of ourselves (the only real world we know) conflicts with our misunderstanding of the others world (the only world they know as well) thus stresses the ties that bind us together because uniqueness and individuality become lost. Until we allow and accept the other to be, and allow ourselves to be, internal and external conflicts will remain.

As a result of this misguided approach to marriage, through my writing I had hoped to reveal the person you never “really” knew at all. A man who’s inner and dual gendered soul often conflicted with your sense of who you understood me to be that being far from the ordinary you saw in yourself. As it turned out, what you have now seen exposed as the cause for our troubles, and the true sense of who your husband is, has in fact only burden you more in hearing of my desires to occasional express the fe-male person I am.

Never forget dear that I can understand your misgivings with regard to this matter as I understand the befuddlement all of this causes you. Panties, or bra hidden from view are a far different issue than confronting your husband, a man with a beard, clothing himself in women’s apparel, or seeking to emulate the physical attributes of her form. Your ordinariness in seeing life as a natural pattern of existence I suspect my make allowances for the “unnatural” on occasion in others; however the truth of the matter is I believe as long as it does not enter into your back-yard of family and marriage it is deemed okay.

Accepting that brother S and cousin D are homosexual is one thing, accepting the fact that your husband has many of the same deformations of gender make-up, albeit manifested in another form, is another matter entirely. It is in some respects a double standard wouldn’t you say? Accepting one diverse form of human sexuality and yet not another “because” I am your husband becomes in some respects a subconscious non-acceptance of the one you say you love as well, for it conflicts with the reasons you married me as a male. “Ordinary” people do not act in such an un-ordinary manner, especially those one marries as your mind tells you. You have lived with me for 41 years and are only now, having to confront something you may have at one time suspected but never really resolved as a foundational part of your psyche sets up the conflict I mentioned earlier. You wed, according to your conscious mind, a heterosexual male, and though he remains as such visually and has no desire to change that aspect of himself, nonetheless it gives you cause to worry when he tells you that aside from the physical features that make him male, his mind tells him he possess a dual gender that many times over, rejects those masculine features he possesses by desiring those of his female counterpart on occasion.

Is this cause for concern for you? You want to believe it is I can hear you say. Expect in your doubts and fears you have forgotten one important thing. Your husband is fully aware, accepting and tolerant that he is male and nothing aside from an operation he does not desire, will change or take away those appendages he no longer sees as functional or desirable. Being confronted with is problematic situation causes you (and me to some degree) to suspect the mental state of your husband’s mine for it is I suspect for reasons that you, in your safe knowledge of yourself could never see yourself desiring the same transfiguration and thus becomes a huge stumbling block for your reality of the world around you

Yet facing reality and pretending it is non-existent, perpetuates an illusion as well and is the cause of so much anxiety and fear. Like the young person who places their hands over their eyes or ears in hopes that what is before them will disappear, adults too shun what their subconscious refuses to deal with and which their conscious mind is seen to raise a red flag, telling them that the problem before them is dangerous and deviant behaviour and perhaps even a threat to the marriage itself.

So lets us dissect your husband’s brain and see if the danger you perceive really jeopardizes our compatibility and marriage and the happy place we have found ourselves, or is simply a challenge to perhaps altering your perceptions of human sexuality and relationships, gathered as they are, as Dr. Ralph Harris says in your “contaminated mind” by the values given you by parents or social construction and all other influences gained from childhood to adulthood.
I’ll be writing more so please stand by……..lol

SHE
A thought just occurred to me while reading your letter. All along, I have been thinking selfishly of you as “my” husband as someone like a possession. That is so distorted a viewpoint that it surprised me to realize that I had it! Of course you cannot be anyone but you, and that is as it should be. Whatever manifestation of your true self you choose to exhibit is what you must do. We all must follow our own path. I think you and I are secure enough to each allow the other to do just that. I will still be here as your wife and you will be here as my husband (although they are in reality at this point outdated titles).

I will stop the possessive attitude and discard the preconceptions which I know to be a hindrance to any relationship. Whatever or whoever you are, you are still the person for me.

Crossdressing and Philogyny: A Retrospective of My Life

It seems somewhat ridiculous to me now, but until recently the question of why I, a normal heterosexual male, would desire to don the intimate clothing of a female was a very vexing issue for me and one that took the better part of half a century of musing and brooding, not to mention robbing much of the energy out of life and marriage, to become comfortable with it.

I do not believe I will ever discover the complete answer to why this preoccupation occurs, though I believe I may have struck upon a plausible one in the word Philogyny (the love of women) which I see as having shaped and formed much of the subconscious thought I possess regarding how I view and relate to women. I would also venture to say, that though I had devoted much time and space on this blog to what I now see as a perverse believe that the feminine was the dominate aspect of my identity, I have come to the conclusion that illusionary words such as crossdreaming and autogynephila that I once saw as defining my character, no longer apply to my transvestic activities. Suffice it to say I have come to terms with this quirk of my personality, which essentially is a deep fascination and enchantment with all those elements I see as beautiful in femininity and “femaleness” that elude me as a male.

But sigh…… I also believe it is much deeper than a single word can ever describe. I am quite sure there are a host of other psychological issues that underline my extreme infatuation for femininity that are manifested both objectively and subjectively in my mind and though do not solicit a denial of my masculine nature, nonetheless fog my ability in gaining full access to the understanding of why my own masculine nature is seen as being so inferior to that of the females around me.

In my musing on this subject, I have become convenience that some males like myself, are born to live in an in-between world and though I cannot offer any scientific proof, my reasoning tells me some abnormality must have taken place in my mother’s womb which has presented me with the ability to function comfortably within my given sex, yet nonetheless also presents me with a disquieting sense of concern over a fathom presence of “another” within.

For some men I think this presence provides them an overwhelm complexity of emotions which though felt from an early age, appear to gain strength as they get older while others, simply recognize and accept its existence and learn to deal with it. In both cases however they look upon females not so much in a sexual fashion, but more in a heartfelt sense of awe and affinity for what they truly feel within themselves are a shared personification and embodiment of the essence of femininity they so much admire!

In any case one thing should be made very clear regarding my own sensitivity to this issue. This dysphoria that I speak of is in no way associated with autogynephila, transgenderism, transsexualism, nor even the medical definition of transvestic fetishism as a sexual stimulate. Periodically dressing in feminine attire places no irrational demands or strains on my masculine identity, nor should it presuppose I desire to be a woman, for that would only be a physical falsification of the reality of my spirit and my soul. Hormone replacements and surgical intervention may offer a way to join mind and body for some who were misaligned at birth, but for me that would only be a disastrous attempt to mask the “chi” of my true self. For it is my sincere belief that most of my dysphoric anxiety in the past was in fact an internal fight to unite my known and accepted masculinity, with this disquieting presence of the feminine which I perceptibly feel is part of me and which I believe I can now characterize as Philogyny. It is a world that kindles within me an effusive adulation for females and in turn spawns a complex sense of inadequacy when juxtaposing my banal masculinity adjacent to the physical and mental aspect of womanhood, and though I can safely say I am comfortable with that aspect of my personality, there are ramifications, subtle though they might be, which have unconsciously put undue stress on my marriage which I will explain in my next posting.

I would be very interested to hear from others with regards to the ideas expressed in this posting. Please forward your comments

NOVEMBER 19 – Resolution

For six months my blog has served as my psychiatrist couch, at which time I delved into the many aspects of my previously depressive existence. With my wife taking the active role of confessor, councilor and psychologist, and through hours of dialogue and hundreds of messages and letters  between us (300 pages) I have reached a point where I no longer concern myself with the anxiety of those moments when I breach the social line of gender. When I don the rose-coloured glasses of my imagined femininity, it is just that and nothing else, and certainly not an action I may perform that the American Psychiatric Association need concern itself with.

The reality I have come to understand as truth is, I am neither the transsexual nor the transgendered individual I once thought myself to be, but simply an ordinary heterosexual man who, in awesome wonder of the human female, occasionally falls short of his inherent masculinity by setting his imagination free in flights of feminine fancy. Perhaps on a spiritual level, as a musician/composer and performer, these moments of imaginative contemplation are the hidden energy that fuels my journey through life and thus being part of my soul, should not be seen as I once thought, as problematic or a dysfunction of my male character.

For those who have followed this blog, you will have no doubt observed much time was spent in the beginning, in needless and self-centered anxiety, guilt and apprehension over a belief that in breaking a social taboo as innocuous as clothing, there was something wrong with me and in the face of failing this test, I assumed I should seek help from a medical professional. It never materialized of course, for there was always something deep within my psyche that told me otherwise – who among us has never wondered at some point what it would be like to a member of the opposite sex. Though troubled and anxious as I was that my wondering and wandering had taken me much further than anticipated after my mind became sequestered by the word autogynephilia, I also knew I was as sane and well adjusted as anyone, yet even in this knowledge, the guilt prevailed.

That being said, once communication was opened with my wife, the only person who truly matters and would be affected by my behaviour, did it dawn on me that through her guidance, love and ability to see beyond these aspect of guilt I saw in myself, did a transformation take place once she made it clear that she saw all these aspects of my character as only another colour on the palette and canvas of the man she married and was by no means, a threat to her or our relationship. It was this release, this sense of losing the thought I was somehow contravening some moral and sacred code of manliness and the laws of marriage, that I managed to relinquish the fear I had felt for 64 years of my life.

It should be noted at this point, my moments of transgressing the gender line do not see me donning make up or the outer appearance of feminine identification of wigs etc. as I have seen in so many. Nor did I desire to embarrass my wife, my family or friends in any public way by contemplating an adventure outside the confines of my door. Where the true struggle always resided was not with appeal per se, but in believing by crossing the imagined line of right and wrong, guilt was always accompanied  by these actions..

I trust I have come a long way from dispelling this unjustifiable belief, for when these events do occur, I see them only as a natural combination of curiosity, normal male heightened sexuality and a passion for the female body; the latter being I will admit, the heart and soul of my once misdirected angst in questioning my created gender. What I now see and understand, by engaging in an activity such as crossdressing, (not to be confused with Jack Moley’s crossdreaming) is it does not imply that I am any less the man I know myself to be. Playing baseball or hockey and putting on the uniform does not make me a major league player, anymore than driving my car at an excessive rate of speed makes me a Formula One driver. I may receive a rush of imagination in doing so and may dream of the same, but reality will always speak otherwise. Likewise, performing my everyday tasks with my right arm may make me wish I could do the same with my left, yet does not suggest I should have my left arm surgically removed and replaced with another right arm to facilitate my desire to make life more comfortable.

What I now see and understand, by engaging in an activity such as crossdressing, (not to be confused with Jack Moley’s crossdreaming) is it does not imply that I am any less the man I know myself to be. Playing baseball or hockey and putting on the uniform does not make me a major league player, anymore than driving my car at an excessive rate of speed makes me a Formula One driver. I may receive a rush of imagination in doing so and may dream of the same, but reality will always speak otherwise. Likewise, performing my everyday tasks with my right arm may make me wish I could do the same with my left, yet does not suggest I should have my left arm surgically removed and replaced with another right arm to facilitate my desire to make life more comfortable.

Donning female appeal does not mean I am abnormal, gay, transsexual or a transgender person. Appreciating the awesome wonder of the female does not require a surgical change of sex – for the one organ that cannot be surgically changed is my brain, the one instrument that formulates all these emotional aspects of misappropriated gender and the one identifying organ of gender I would have to live with regardless of the body it was contained in. What it does imply however, is an honest change of mind in viewing ones sense of self and ones sense of the sensual and erotic, as well as ones sense of dealing with ones desires in seeing the beauty and sensuality of women. Something not to be seen as objects to possess or a gender to be magically transformed into, but simply as a natural emotion found in most men in the overwhelming adoration they find in the female form and countenance.

October 14 – Through Male Eyes

A Male Illusion?

Can a male relate to the world as a woman? In viewing a recent blog in which this thought was expressed, it has occurred to me that this outlook, though conceivably a valid emotional understanding by some, is perhaps I would argue a mistaken sense of reality.

I feel for those men who may confuse desire with reality as these are emotions that I have felt at one time or another. Though I have found many of the reasons for my dyslexic emotions stemmed from childhood and I have been able to come to terms with them, they remain with me none the less as an aspect of my personality. I know that though I will never transition (for many reasons,) the thoughts of being a woman, or possessing the physical attributes of the same, remain with me and no doubt will remain with me forever.

That being said I also wonder how it is that transvestic behaviour as expressed by many in cyber-space can develop to the point whereby one begins to consider that one is female. This manner of thinking could, if one thought on it in an absurd way, be equated to one wearing a superman costume and then believing he can fly.  I intend at some point in the future to foster a discussion on this thought of uncomplicated crossdressing versus using this application to become female, but will leave it for now.

Many men in wrestling with their lives as heterosexual males, purport to relate to the world as a woman; my thoughts tell me however that though we as males say we relate to the world as women, it poses the question; can we? Can we actually understand what that entails when viewing the world as undeniably and categorically male? Of course if one looks as females in the manner of gender-feminist theory that would have us believe there is no differences between the sexes save for reproduction, a hypothesis I have trouble with, perhaps one would.

However I find myself continually asking the question; how is it possible that one can relate to the world as female yet acknowledge the fact they live their life as males? Surly this is the ultimate emotional incongruity. For how can a heterosexual male (assuming he is not transsexual and struggling with both sexualities) relate with a psychological identity that is not one’s own?

I Experience You, and You Experience Me

R.D. Laing, the Scottish Psychiatrist in his book The Politics of Experience made an interesting comment regarding the experiences we believe we know of others lives which I think has a practical application on the topic at hand when he stated:

“I see you, and you see me. I experience you, and you experience me. I see your behaviour. You see my behaviour. But I do not and never have and never will see your experience of me, just as you cannot “see” my experience of you. My experience of you is not “inside” me. It is simply you, as I experience you. And I do not experience you as “inside” me. Similarly, I take it that you do not experience me as inside you.” (Quotation marks mine)

My experience of you is not “inside” me. This is the heart of my analysis and has, as I have come to understand, sums up the plight of many engaged in the so called autogynephilic world, a world I put to you, if not found to be a medical condition, is a world of self conception and illusory.

I should state here, that my use of the word autogynephilic is perhaps misplaced, as my understanding of this phrase has yet to settle unreservedly in my mind. None the less I will use it as a metaphor in my writing for the condition of heterosexual males who desire to become women, or desire to append their physical male bodies with the attributes of a female. In any case I believe there is a flaw in this autogynephilic thinking as I try and reason my way through the labyrinth of facts and fiction regarding this phenomenon.

As seen by my reference to R.D. Laing; being male limits our view of the world and predicates immensely on our desires for a physiological female identity. Again if I may paraphrase Laing, “the autogynephilic’s experience of women is not “inside” him.” Males are not females no matter how much their logic believes this to be true and therefore, due to his set of biological and hormonal criteria which, coupled with the set of instructions in which they have been given and codified by society and culture on the meaning of their masculinity, will always shade and disfigure their perspective of how they view or imagines womanhood to be.

Focusing on ones female aspirations to see oneself as a woman is somewhat distorted because the paradigm itself is a result of a preconceived “male perception” of womanhood as seen only through male eyes and therefore, something we have no real awareness of, or affinity to.

It is I should think, an idea of womanhood that will always be confined to his response to a visual/sexual image of women; something R. D. Laing said which again I paraphrase; “I as a male cannot and never have and never will see as women’s experience.”

By our conception as males in the womb of our mothers, it will never allow us to truly relate to the womanhood of our imagination and therefore fails in many ways to offer a valid understanding of womanhood other than that of a “reflection” of what we identify or believe womanhood to be. This pattern of thinking becomes a form of self-deception in many respects and much along the line of the philosophy of Franz Brentano’s “Intentionalism” being simply defined says – “The things we think about may or may not exit, however in thinking about them they become real to us whether they are true or not.”

In my own struggle with is phenomenon, I came to some realization that my desire for a female body was nothing more than one of irrational idealism and impracticality; an escape as it were from the adult world in which I was living. Coming to this conclusion does not dismiss the desire at all as it is something that is part of my psychological personality. However it was I believe in part due to its use as an escape mechanism which comes about as a result of never having come to terms with my past (facing my shadow in Jungian terms) and therefore remained a source of fear and angst well into my adult years.

If those who do not wish to change their sexuality, (i.e. transition) yet at the same time thirst to attain something other than who they are, than these aspirations for the inaccessible become an endless source of self-induced mental masochism, in as much as ones hunger to possess an image of “physical femininity” i.e. vagina, breast, hair and shape, will always remain an unattainable dream and totally unrelated to the hormonal female of reality. One’s desire for a physical female body is simply a desire to capture an essence of womanhood as seen through male eyes and thus in many respects, discounts the realism of a menstrual cycle, or pregnancy, or birthing or menopause or any other physical or mental aspect of the female reality of life and dare I say, becomes an Imitation of Reality.

These feelings are no doubt very real to many as they remain to a certain extent with me; however I see the autogynephilic’s desires as an attempt to emulate a physical image of the female rather than a psychological one, even though his preconceived idea of womanhood appears to be real. However I don’t feel, while being confined within our own physiological make-up as males we can come anywhere close to understanding what real womanhood is as we cannot experience it within ourselves. We may try to replicate it by wrapping ourselves in all the trappings of femininity to ease our yearnings for this image, but in possessing little “real” knowledge of what it is to be female, it becomes much like fulfilling sexual loneliness by making love to a plastic blow-up doll. It fulfills our needs at the time but never comes close to the real thing.

October 13 – Renaissance – Part Three

In response to my last posting I received further comments by my friend Jack Molay to which I would like to address here. Jack’s response to my posting contained four valid considerations that he believes I should reflect upon, to which I have offered further thought on this subject.

Jack states:

1. [Perhaps]…She has been a transwoman all along, but has suppressed the fact out of fear of becoming ostracized and losing his loved ones. Getting closer to the end of life, she is realizing she is losing her only chance at being herself.

I have no doubts there is great trepidation in the minds of these men at the thought of losing their loved ones. However I find it difficult to believe, in approaching life’s end, it affords one the only opportunity be oneself. It is my belief, if they have not figured that out by now, it is I sense not going to happen as a woman either. But in either case, they cannot have it both ways without suffering the consequences of their actions or desires.

There are simply too many aspects that take place in the long span of one’s life lived in the roles of our biological sex, to suddenly say one is a transwoman. As I infer in my post, one is or one isn’t and I do not believe there is any half measure here. Without any clear evidence of transsexualism these emotions are, I believe, an uncontrolled fantasy based on a fanciful notion of what women are and no doubt supported partly, if not entirely, by the exhilaration of participating in the act of transvestic behaviour itself.

2. His inner woman gets stronger throughout life. She is the anima demanding to be heard in the second phase of life, when some of the regular “life-building” is over. Jung argued that all men had to get in touch with their feminine side later in life. Maybe some has a stronger feminine side than others, meaning that they psychologically and spiritually speaking actually are women.

I will not pretend to be an authority on the psychoanalytic theories of Carl Jung, but I do not view Jung’s theories of our subconscious mind as a means test either; like taking ones blood pressure to determine one’s health. That would be a total misappropriation of the basis of psychoanalysis reasoning. However, given what I have read and believe I understand; I consider Jung’s concept of the anima, a notion of an archetypal value which is part of our collective unconscious or as he put it; “…it is universal, and is of an impersonal nature which is identical in all individuals. This collective unconscious does not develop individually but is inherited.” As I see it, Jung saw this collective unconsciousness acting as a balance in human psychology that facilitates an understanding of the world outside one’s normal ego state.

Jung’s idea on this subject was not in finding that one can “choose” at any given moment in one’s life, to materialize the anima in a physical manner, for it is always contained in our subconscious and therefore is not, nor can be a conscious act of attainment. It is as he said, of an “impersonal nature” and merely affords a way for us to understand our environment and those other individuals who dwell in it. In other words a means by which we balance our conscious and unconscious minds and the balancing of one’s life psychologically. It is this balance which is exactly what I have been trying to articulate; something I do not find taking place in the lives of these men.

By immersing one’s thoughts into an idea of being or becoming someone they are not, or to allow those thoughts to take control of one’s sense of self is a recipe for disaster. As a matter of fact Jung himself stated as much when he said, “Over-awareness of the anima could provide a premature conclusion to the individuation process of the life cycle.  A kind of psychological short-circuit may take place; in identifying the animus at least provisionally with wholeness of one’s ego. Though this element can bring life-giving development and creativeness to the personality, over-awareness could provide petrifaction and even physical death”

One cannot be locked in a room for one’s life with only oneself to think and care about. We humans need the interconnection that society provides to discover the world around us and to realize the potential of the person we are in reality. In other words our friends and loved ones reaffirm our reality daily and hourly throughout our life. Having experience an inner loneliness for most of my life, I can honestly state that introversion and conceptualizing ourselves to be someone other than the life we have lived into our middle age and beyond, does nothing to enhance the world or our place in it, but simply destroys the life we have been given.

3. He is not a transwoman, but by reaching the second part of his life, the end of life becomes more present. The fear of life and the fear of death makes the feminization urges stronger as they give some kind of calming emotional relief.

I truly am bewildered by this concept Jack. Inferring that being female affords one the opportunity to face death easier, or that women do not have a fear of death as men do is a very an unusual concept to say the least of what men and women experience. Either of course would be irrational.

And fear of life? If he has already passed much of the cycle of life as a man and has not understood life in that respect, how could he ever understand life by becoming a woman with all the wonderful and beautiful complexities experienced by that sex?  From my own experience, this calming emotional relief you speak of, can be obtained in crossdressing itself. It does not have to be a public statement, it can have the approval of a spouse and that can be enough. Fascinating concept though!

4. He is simply getting older and wiser. He has always set others before himself. Now that the kids are out of the nest he decides it is time to give more room for his own needs, and he knows that he is — in fact — a she. Staying unhappy won’t help anyone.

Again I say with all due respect Jack; the existentialist mind-set of ME as opposed to US is very prevalent here I fear. US is the true value of living within a society. ME, throughout human history, has never proven too have been an advancement towards a human ethos. Having lived a life as a male for decades, fathering children and all the responsibilities demanded of one’s time and energy as a man (married with children or not,) one cannot simply decide “it’s my turn now” and turn their back on loved ones, nor turn the thermostat of repressed sexuality up a notch to fill the vacuum of an empty nest. Nor can they I believe, mollify a childhood event that may have been, as you like to phrase it traumatic.” Living ones dreams requires far more than US being replaced by the thought of ME. If others are to be considered, as mentioned in paragraph one, what becomes of them in this ME self-consciousness?

With respect to wisdom; I would trust he would become wiser as that is the anticipated hope we all aspire to arrive at after passing and living through the stages of life, or “the life cycle” that Jung refers to; the cycle that provides the growth of personal human development towards an advancement in our knowledge of humanity held within in human history.

However, regressing backward in time to our childhood as a stepping stone to advance a theory of one’s identity as opposed to the acceptance of one’s reality, is not becoming wiser but simply remaining in the attitudinal aspect of one’s youth and does nothing for one’s human psychological advancement towards to self-hood

October 11 – Renaissance – Part Two – ABNORMALITY

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth……….   Ludwig Börne”

In my last posting I ended by stating that I had, in learning to live with all my foibles and eccentricities, discovered the world was less afraid of me than I was of myself. Having been blessed with someone who was able to tell me her love transcends any misgivings I may have of myself; it afforded me the opportunity to relieve my mind of the belief that I was somehow an atypical male human being.

It should be made very clear however, that having learned to cope with my emotions and eccentricities, it did not eliminate them entirely, but it went a long way towards allowing me to see that as a father and a husband, I was not the threat I once perceived I was to my situation in life.

Having recently returned from London in the UK, I can testify that eccentricities such as mine abound on the streets of that great city and though remaining an exception to the normative rules of social conduct; crossdressers, transvestites, or any of the other supposed “genderisms” that dwell under the umbrella of unconventionalism do not per se, subject society to traumatic panic as much as their fears would indicate. This is especially true when ones singular life of introspection is juxtaposed with the wider troubles of the world we live in today – i.e. famine, wars and economic uncertainty.

Transvestism is in itself a harmless activity and no doubt gives rise to thoughts,  allowing one to speculate what life may be like if one were female. Transvestism only becomes abnormal when like the world I found myself in, it becomes an overwhelming sense of discomfort to our innate understanding of normative moral behaviour, or becomes a barrier that inhibits our ability to interact with the community or society in which we dwell by overzealous self-interest with one’s existence. This is especially true if one is in a relationship, where self-centered activity alienates one from those we purport to love.

In any case, though my crossdressing led me to a darker world at times of dreaming of the female I could never become, I am mystified by viewing the number of sites devoted to taking these thoughts further than a desire to don the clothing of the opposite sex and into full-time angst and preoccupation of possessing a female body.

Some would no doubt object to my criticism of this overindulgent behaviour but none the less I must pose the question. Where does the jumping off point begin that sees one transcending from  crossdressing to actualizing a wish for one’s physical body and spirit to become female?

How is it that after living life as a male for 30, 40, 50 years or beyond in many cases, within a family environment, a job or community network, without any proven transsexual variance, one can come to believe one is really female and not male? How it is that replaying the normal historic events of childhood sexual misapprehensions,  gives rise to aspirations of womanhood? How it is their everyday 24/7 life and activity as a male, consumed by family (husband and father,) and  interaction in society are too be dismissed in an act of total obsession of this one thought…..” I am woman, hear me roar. In numbers too big to ignore, and I know too much to go back and pretend….?” – Helen Reddy

It is not my intension to be flippant about this. I understand full well there are real problems faced by some in their despondent self doubting with regards to their sexuality. I mention it solely for reasons I suggest is purely of self-interest. If one is not a true transsexual, if one has not from their infancy perceived their sexuality has been enclosed in the wrong physical body, than one’s misguided sense of being uncomfortable with their present status in life is more often than not, simply suffering from an undeveloped sense of self.

By that I mean, in persisting to dwell in the past and never leaving their childhood memories (as most would ascribe to,) it affords them the perfect  opportunity to reason, their past experiences of an easily bruised ego, inflicted in their childhood, was a verification of their present state of mind and therefore, instead of maturating into adulthood, allows them to carry their past into the future and expressing it as a form of discontented, teenage melodramatic angst.

In his book I’m OK, You’re OK, Dr. Thomas Harris supported the theory of Transactional Analysis, in which he stated “we decide on a life story very early on in childhood, and then live the story out of that awareness as adults. It is a pity that this ‘life script’ causes us to selectively redefine some events and at the same time disconnect ourselves from others as we attempt to make the reality we have come to perceive as truth, fit the story or script we are presently are writing of our life based on childhood experiences.”

In other words, by ones ongoing rationalization, the script of life, being drawn up by a few hurtful remarks and events taken to heart during  a time of an undeveloped sense of self or ones sexuality, becomes comes the bedrock for the remainder of one’s life story. Choosing the selective hurts from one’s youth and disregarding all the other experiences that drew one in to ones adult years; family, friends and all the other history of one’s life is discarded for a mistaken belief one is a women and not a man.

Rightly or wrongly, there is nothing wrong  with anyone desiring to wear the clothing of the opposite sex. There is also nothing wrong with speculating what it would be like to be a member of the opposite sex and there is also nothing wrong with indulging in a fantasy of being a woman. However, there is everything wrong when those actions and desires interfere with our relationship of living in a human community and especially with those with whom we also aspire to share our lives with.

Can one honestly expect to make the transition to womanhood, no matter how medically or scientifically possible, and expect those expectations be embraced by our loved ones, simply because we desire it to be so? This is the ultimate existentialist act!
“I create my own universe by my thoughts, actions and choices, therefore I am.” It is a sad state of human development, but I see this existentialist philosophy very much alive and well on many of the blogs I read today. An erroneous contention put forth by the existentialist philosophy, that contends that man creates his own human essence or spirit through a series of choices and actions that fashion his sense of self and through those actions create his own definition of humanity. By stressing the individual aspect of one’s existence as the most important element to ones happiness, some will discard their human nature of living and interacting with others of their species, for an unreal, individualistic form of existence. i.e. I was born man but wish to be a woman, therefore I live only for my aspirations and no one else.

Again I state there is nothing wrong with desiring to be anyone we want to be, and that includes the practical manifestation of the autogynephilic’s desire to be a woman. But unless proof be issued or claimed that one is transsexual, or one can coexist with one’s fellow human beings while fulfilling these desires on a level that does not apply discomfort to others; one’s actions will always be seen by society AND I’m afraid by the individual indulging in such thought, as abnormal and as a struggle to maintains one’s sanity, and that my friends is a pity

October 8 – Renaissance – Part One

“I feel it is the duty of one who goes his own way, to inform society of what he finds on his voyage of discovery.” – Carl Jung

Though I feel I have made considerable progress in understanding the complexities of my sometimes “divergent,” personality by writing this blog, there is still much that remains unexplainable which I continue to seek answers to, or if not answers, at the very least a window into the reasons one acts or behaves as one does. My wife, the one person responsible for the renaissance that has taken place in my life, has often told me the search for answers to my existence is predominantly a male characteristic; questioning and investigating the “why” to things that do not always necessitate answers or with some, do not require an answer at all.

It is, as she has told me, necessary to wonder and find meaning to one’s life as part of the journey of life we all travel. But it is a fruitless task to become so self-absorbed with one’s existence that one avoids accepting the realities of that existence by dwelling in the deceptive and illusory world of introspection. A world in which one loses ones natural human ambition for social contact and thereby loses the surprises life has to offer to each of us.

This simple truth took years for me  to discover – that so much of our lives can be lost when we engage in unrestrained egocentrism. When the Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard lamented “man has forgotten how to exist because he no longer participates in reality; he just thinks about how to participate in it, and becomes caught in a world of the abstract.” I believe he must have been thinking of the plight of many who have lost the will to live the reality they are and instead, dream of that which  they are not.

It seems a sad fact of modern technological life, that in having all the tools to communicate, or engage in a pursuit of harmonizing our lives with the world around us, we choose to communicate only with ourselves by choosing to remain in a cocoon of reclusive introspection. This form of self-centerness can be much like a cancer to our subconscious mind; creating a world of alienation and loneliness that eats away at our sense of reality. When we get trapped in this dreamlike world of the ego, (something I once heard defined as mental masturbation,) we misplace our capacity to form true relationships with those around us, by replacing the reality of those relationships with a fantasy of self-illusion.

The truth I came to realize was the only place where I could truly BE was in the present and the here and now and not in my past world of hurts. By engaging in this form of thinking, it followed that I could not dream of the future either, as engaging in such behaviour would lead, as it did, only to a speculative experience of reality. In choosing to believe, what the self-centered ideology of introspection told me, that I was living a gender dysphoric existence, I repudiated everything that was real in my life; wife, family and who I was born to be. Replacing that world with a mistaken belief that my sensitive nature and my affinity for the feminine was my true nature, (which were both the antithesis manliness) for the search of an unattainable physical embodiment of femininity.

The similarities of my erroneous thinking I see in many blogs today. There are, undeniably those who live and breathe a life of gender dysphoric loneliness. However, given the plethora of sites devoted to the topic, one must ask how many of these are truly transgender, or simply suffering or clinging to the repercussions of a childhood like my own, that saw my sensitivities as a male become a self-exiled exclusion from boyhood because of my belief that I must be  female. This belief was so overwhelming, in a time long before the advent of gender research, that looking back upon those episodes of my life of female proximity, it is no wonder I was in such a mess all my life.

Childhood in the 50’s was not easy for the likes of a fatherless son and by the time the 60’s rolled around, though the sexual revolution may have been taking place all around me, my instinct for female companionship began to be blurred with what I felt was my inconclusive sexuality. This incongruence with the reality of my masculinity, despite a marriage and five children, was a constant source of alienation for my inability to reconcile the emotions I felt and sought to express through the self-absorbing behaviour of crossdressing and transvestic behaviour. Though these emotions remain with me today, it has only been though the love my wife has for me; a love that accepted the burdens I had carried, the secret life I lived and who believed the man she had married was more afraid of himself than she was of him, that set my mind in a different direction and allow me to retrieved my sense of wholeness within the realm of reality.

As a follow-up to this posting I intend, in the coming days and weeks, to examine this aspect of introversion, my shadow as Carl Jung called it, to better understand how I have arrived at the point have reach today.

It may appear to the reader, that I have achieved this renaissance fairly easily, since I have only been writing this blog for a mere four months. However I assure you that though I continue at times to stray into the dark hole of introspection and despite my wives love and understanding of the man she married; facing and coming to terms with the cauldron of secrets that belay my public persona was never straightforward nor was it ever as uncomplicated as it would seem. In any case, regardless of how I got here, the world as my wife has told often, was less afraid of me than I was of myself.

September 11 – Acceptance Part 2

My friend Jack recently made a comment regarding my blog Acceptance in which I made the following comment: “There is no law that I am aware of that prohibits anyone from taking on the opposite gender we were born with, yet we perceive there is and in doing so become sullen in our approach to life.”

Jack has taken mild exception this remark by saying;
But there is. Kids learn it in school when they are called sissies, and transgendered people learn it in their neighbourhood or at their workplace when they are called faggots and perverts. There are laws that are not found in law books, but in the social mores of your tribe. And some of those laws are unnecessary and need to be changed.

I understand very well what life is like as a child, though again I believe Jack and I are still looking at this from two different angles. He focuses on the trans-community while I can only speak for those of us who are not in that struggle.

In any case, I grew up with all those things  Jack spoke of, as did my brother who is gay, as did many in the gay community I know as friends and acquaintance. I am also aware of so many others who in their youth were told how stupid they were, or how they would never amount to anything and any other number of cruel and insidious put-downs many received as children. It is true that in many cases an individual, who has to deal with horrendous circumstances as a child, may have more difficulty negotiating the later stages of life than someone who didn’t have these challenges early on. However do we sustain those hurts and keep them alive by holding our life and society hostage to our memories? I would hope not! Sooner or later we must grow into adulthood and stop allowing our past to dictate our present behaviour. Many people, who are prone to living within their fantasies and desires, use things that have happened in their past as an escape; a method to justify or permit certain behaviours to continue to disrupt their lives because they do not want to let go of the pleasurable illusion autogynephilia is.

However, life affords many opportunities for us to see there is good and there is always the chance that somewhere along the way if we are open to it, the strength of the human spirit can be ignited and allow the deficits of early life to be overcome. When those moments occur, we pass from decrying our childhood and stop living in the past and enter adulthood. When this occurs we  learn to deal with our particular doubts and uncertainties in a non-childish manner and accept, as Dr, David Rico says, the “Five Immutable Facts that come to visit all of us many times over…. That life is not always fair and that pain is part of life.” Only when we achieve this point in our lives, or perhaps better stated, IF we choose to aspect this as our true reality, will we be able to live a peaceful existence.

September 8 – Acceptance

One of the difficulties of going through the incongruity of autogynephilic emotion is the apparent loneliness of our suffering. We feel that no one understands these emotions that exist within us. Looking around us, all others appear to be “normal.” Therefore our struggle is in large part, due to the fact that we “do” live in a social network, a network that we agree with on most issue except those that affect us personally. Then, as most of us do, we blame the beliefs of the social network for not allowing us to be ourselves.

In my blogging I have tried to stress the reality of our autogynephilic experience, though not normal by most standards, it is normal for us. Social and cultural norms are not the problem as I see it, but our search for courage and understanding is very much the issue. There is no law that I am aware of that prohibits anyone from taking on the opposite gender we were born with, yet we perceive there is and in doing so become sullen in our approach to life. Finding a harmonious acceptance of our desire to take on the image we have of the feminine within us, with the physical reality of our maleness will allow us to find the happiness we so much desire.

It is this struggle, to find that peaceful state of mind that we all must strive for, not social acceptance.  We must accept ourselves first. So it was very fortuitous in this regard that I received an e-mail from a Rabbi friend this morning and in his letter he put this understanding very well when he said; Peace isn’t just the absence of strife – it’s the harmony of the apparently disharmonious. A peace-filled heart is one that can contain in harmony the apparently disharmonious – happy and sad, love and hate good and bad [male and female]…… be present to reality, accept and experience reality as it is. To accept the things one cannot change, even if one doesn’t like them. To exist in the world, as it is, right now, wholly.

This insight is what I have been attempting to say for some time. In the modern Western world, we believe we can only find happiness by possessing the things we most desire and if not, we loath the barriers presented to us that prevent us from having them. That happiness is found in accepting what we are given, as well as “allowing” our dreaming to take place as well and not fighting or denying it as part of who we are.

As I see the reality of my autogynephilia (for my aspirations of the feminine are a genuine part of my psyche) I also see before me in the mirror what I have been given in my male body as well. The two do not rest comfortably with each other at times yet they are my reality and may not fit the idea of normalcy viewed by a society we fear or fight against.  As the Rabbi says “…. I used to fervently strive to see only the happy…. to the point of denying “negative” emotions and imagining a “happy island” that someday I would reach.” This point should be well taken by all autogynephilic’s. We can never deny what we know is our sense of identifying with the feminine within us, “the negative, “as  Rabbi Brian calls it, but that is not by any means wrong or bad, for it is us. As my wife has told me so often, “acceptance is saying; it is what it is, and what it is, is what is.”

I realize I may be sounding like a “born again something” but I do not what that label to be attached to me. My striving for a peaceful existence is still very much a journey I travel and sometimes I get caught up in the overwhelming emotions for the image I can never obtain despite my optimism and pragmatism. The expedition to the new world continues my friends and I’m learning to deal with the Mermaids that entice me overboard to join them. However, I’m not a very good swimmer so I constantly wear a life-jacket.

My friend the Rabbi finished with these little words of wisdom, “Happiness is not things going or coming your way, but being in a relationship with reality. Taking reality as it is, accepting it exactly as it is – then the truth is that this, right here, right now, is the only reality. Not hoping that anything will be different, but just being here with a peace-filled heart.”

September 06 – Non Nobis Solum

Owing to some malfunction with the comments page on your site Jack, I have not been able to post my remarks regarding your latest posting on “Crossdreamers.” It could very well be that my verbosity was the problem, (lol) so I have decided to write a full reply here.

One of the more difficult problems with writing a blog, which I’m sure you have encountered as well, is in transferring one’s ideas and thoughts into the written word and finding when posted, they become misinterpreted and far from of one’s intended meaning. A case in point would be what I perceive as your misunderstanding of the theme of my site by your opening remarks: “for crossdreamers who are able to live as men, [they] should do so out of concern for their loved ones.”

I believe this is where you and I differ in our interests and approaches to the subject of crossdressing. In writing, “those who are able to live as men,” your words are representative of the intellectual focus you place on the field you have chosen to explore which as I see it, though an extensive and scholarly study of all aspects of autogynephilia, does not represent or speak to the many thousands of men who like myself, have no desire to become fully female and do not identify with the trans-community at all, which appears to be your central focus.

The men I am attempting to reach out to are those who ARE able to live as men. They understand they ARE men, they know their deepest knowledge of themselves is with the soul they were created to be and their understanding of that reality is unquestionably masculine in nature and therein lies the immense difficulty they have. They struggle with their affinity of the feminine that whether through an historical event of early childhood, or a natural occurrence in the mother’s womb, has provided a shadow image of themselves as female. It is this image, like a spectre in their subconscious, at times invades their cognizant mind and haunts their existence and daily life. They look around and see the life they have chosen to live and are otherwise happy with their existence which is predicated and structured around their masculine visual and social identity. None the less, at times they are powerless to ignore this image that calls out to them in the darkest reaches of their being.

Their “Dark Night of the Soul”, sometimes last an entire lifetime and like my own search for resolution led to depressiveness and something I continually ran from. Unfortunately, as the song goes, “you can run but you cannot hide” and until those who wrestle with this issue understand their own spirituality, their “demons” will always trouble and preoccupy them.

As I mentioned in my previous blog, it could very well be that these men do not fit the dynamic description of autogynephilia at all and being the amateur on this subject I freely admit to be, I have struggled with that term for some time. Like the men I have just described, I fought this “other female” in my life for over half a century and it was only when I happened upon your site that I came to some understanding of what my struggle encompassed. Yet the theory which Ray Blanchard but forward, perhaps a valid one in academia, did not fit completely with the reality that I was unquestionably male in all aspect of outward identity, nor did the aspect of sexual arousal always accompany my longing for this feminine image. Thus it was I made an attempt to formulate a definition of autogynephilia to accommodate the emotional aspects I was going through for all those years;

“The pleasurable passions of a heterosexual male who through action, thought or ambition, desires to possess the physical characteristics of a female body and therefore succumbs to an imitation of the reality of his created soul.”

It should be noted, that this attempt of writing a meaningful definition to understand my emotions will remain open to revision as I discover more about my interaction with my dilemma and life.

You have expressed some interest in my use of the word soul, and though I have yet committed to a definitive meaning, as I have much to learn and write yet, I tend to draw upon my Catholic schooling (though I am agnostic by nature) and that of St. Thomas Aquinas who understood the soul as an ontological reality which was dissimilar, yet integrally linked with our physical state of being. In other words it is the ultimate internal principle by which we think, feel, and understand our ego. In this respect, most autogynephilics I believe, know their created self and the intended role their soul is to play in human creation, yet in some mystical form, this role is also entwined with of that of female soul.
In any case I have digressed far from my originally intended comment on your remarks and the subject of ones soul will have to wait another posting. As you are aware, my wife and I are off to the UK for a little R & R so it will have to wait until my return.

Thoughts on: “Those who are able to live as men,”

If I understand you correctly, (interpretation again,) you are saying that out of concern for one’s loved ones, crossdreamers and crossdressers must control their urges and not allow themselves to advance to the point where it will interfere with their relationships. If this is the case I must apologize for confusing you as well as my readers if I have implied that connotation. It is true in some respects, that in order to achieve a certain harmony within a relationship, one must control one’s desires. However to make the suggestion that “out of concern for our loved ones” would be a misunderstanding of what I have been trying to articulate with regards to coming to terms with my life as an autogynephilic.

Yes it is true I am married and in order to find happiness and openness in that relationship my autogynephila had to be disclosed. However that in itself should not be seen as the most compelling reason to resolve this issue for if that were the case, I would in hiding my emotions, and living a false existence. I would state that our loved ones, though playing an enormous role in our lives, are not the deciding factor in how we deal with our autogynephilic emotions. Only those who have these emotions can resolve them by looking reality squarely in the face, being truthful to oneself and “then” coming to terms with an understanding of who they are, juxtaposing those conclusions with the life they live with their loved ones. It should never be an acquiescence to appease a relationship, but an honest and heartfelt understanding of who we are first and foremost, otherwise we would simply be living a falsification of the reality of what marriage was all about.

Secondly, it was essential for me to realize, that my fantasies of being the female I felt was part of my ego, was also an element of self-absorption and if allowed to become a dominate presence in my daily life, would inhibit me from participating fully in the environment and social network I was living in. One is called to make choices throughout one’s life and if one chooses to remain married and live the call of that vocation; one cannot become isolated and withdrawn by concentrating exclusively on one’s own desires.

Non Nobis Solum – Not For Ourselves

I hate to repeat myself Jack, but in coming to terms with my autogynephilia, I had to not only acknowledge it as an aspect of who I was, but also had to contrast it with the idea of  marriage and all that it stood for as well; a sharing of one’s life with the life of another individual. Sharing one’s life involves a surrendering to a certain extent one’s ego driven desires and thus it had to be considered that in marrying me, my wife married a male and had no desire, then or now, to be married to a female.

The most surprising element for me in the struggle I fought with for so many years, was that in releasing my fear of feminine emotions, facing the reality that I was not female yet allowing that aspect to dwell within me, she had no problem accepting me and my crossdressing at all for as she said, “it did not scare her as much as it did me.” The gift she presented to me was love in its purest form; love oneself and all else will follow.

August 27 – Suffering and the Emergence of Adulthood

August 10 – Apologetics

Apologetics

Hi Jack. It’s a pleasure to have received a reply from you once again. Gosh! I feel I am in the presence of royalty as your name comes up so often now on the internet. (Ha!) Seriously, it is wonderful to dialogue with you once again as I think everyone in the autogynephilia community would say you are the perfect book-end and foil for Ray Blanchard. (Take that as a compliment please.) I have been musing over your letter the last few days and believe I have a response that expands on some of the ideas I have previously blogged. It is my sincere hope that what I write is not seen as offensive to anyone, but simply an expression of what I have learned over the last few months about accepting who I am on this journey of self-discovery and my place in the many and varied communities of human response to their gender and sexuality which I perhaps knew all along.

That being said, it was only in opening up to my wife, and myself for that matter, that I have been able to look life squarely in the eye and say “I am who I am.” One of the traits of my character I have succumbed to since my epiphany (some say to their annoyance) is pragmatism and by that I mean I have a matter-of-fact way of approaching or assessing situations or of solving problems; that the meaning of our lives falls within the observable and practical outcomes of the consequences of our actions. It may at times sound that  I am being too harsh in my opinions and perhaps even hypocritical given my previous writings, but I remain open to persuasive arguments none the less. It should be noted I pass no judgments on others chosen life styles as all my life (and I continue to be so)  endured the desire to see my feminine side  become a more predominate aspect of my personality, but in saying that I have also had to look upon my autogynephilia in light of reality, thus a more realistic approach to life. In any case, finding the balance between my emotional make-up and that of societies need to temper individual desires for the better good of all, is always a problem. But as most people do; one finds a way to co-exist with both and get on with living.

Trauma

You mentioned the word trauma. I believe this to be an expression that is much over used and perhaps even misused today when one discusses the subject of autogynephilia or sexuality in general. A real trauma, in the medical sense, is a situation whereby as a result of certain horrific events that took place in the past or the present of one’s life; prevents one from functioning or living a normal and healthy life. Used in the context of defining gender issues as I witness on most web sites, or in describing ones emotional state as a result of autogynephilia, I believe is a gross misrepresentation of the term. Most, but I will grant you not all I have had contact with or in reading blogs, are dealing with the disappointments of “personal preferences” rather than medical issues (a rather substantial difference in definition,) that for whatever reason allows them to feel they are being marginalized by a set of social standards they believe prohibits them from becoming the person they wish to be. This unfortunate approach to life thus leaves them incarcerated in a voluntary prison of idealism and romantic naiveté.

I am not aware of any social rules, aside from murder, robbery and other breaches of moral behaviour, that would prevent anyone from dressing as they please or expressing their sexuality. Of course there are always those who will trample on one’s individual expression by promoting violence and that is always an issue of consideration. But even those are relatively minor (or non-existent in my part of the world) and to blame all of society for the exception of the few who make headline news is simply an excuse to cast culpability on a social order for ones inability to find a comfortable place of expressing one’s own self-awareness.

Empirical Observations of Life

Having gone though many trials of doubt myself, I am mindful of the fact there are people who cannot deal with daily life in their perceived sexuality. But I honestly believe these people are rare as witnessed from my own empirical observations of personal experience which is all anyone can really use as proof of one’s experience of life. Reading books and studying theories of medical evidence put forth by others may provide us with “food-for-thought,” but in the final analysis we must decide for ourselves from personal observation and experience whether those theories and studies are in fact true. It is only through this personal observation of the world around us that we can produce honest and educated evaluations in approving or dismissing a theory or others assessments of life. Choosing to ignore these observations in favour of hear-say evidence or personal preference to justify a preferred life situation, must surely lead to a confusing and perplexing existence.

My brother and his partner are gay and have lived together for 30 years and several others I call friends are gay as well. Thus I have firsthand experience of the struggles they encountered for recognition in their lives and yet as difficult as that was, all of them managed to come to terms with daily life and societal pressure without a so-called traumatic mental disability to “conform” long before gay acceptance became the norm.

Again, through empirical observations , I have witnessed real trauma when seeing a friend returning from a theatre of war who`s life debilitating mental issues make sexual and gender concerns pale in comparison though I will reiterate that I am very much aware there are some who may suffer because of their sexuality, however real life experience of psychological trauma is something far different from that referred to by the transgender community.

I have three sons, two of whom are graduates in the field of sociology and in my many discussions with them one fact becomes very clear. Researchers and academics live in a vacuum and an environment of theory’s and psychological investigations which try to make sense of human life. Ray Blanchard and company may get under the skin of some but in reality neither they nor anyone else prevents one from seeking ones aspirations of dressing as a woman nor transitioning to whomever they wish or feel they are. However to listen too many, one would think there is a vast and evil conspiracy being perpetrated against the transgender/autogynephilic community to quell freedom of expression which anyone living in a civilised world knows is pure poppy-cock and if this is not the case, I extend my deepest sympathises.

Teenagers

You also made mention of teenagers. There are without a doubt, many problems in a teenager’s life and as you and I, or anyone for that matter growing up with autogynephilia can attest, life can be that much more confusing without adult guidance to dialogue with. However, crossdreaming as I have mentioned, is not as debilitating a process in becoming a well-adjusted adult as you appear to imagine unless, (and I stress unless,) one is a true transsexual, which most statistics will bear are not as numerous as the community we presently blog for believes. I have no doubt the teens you have spoken to honestly felt their problems of sexuality were confusing and frightening, but these feelings and emotions are not a new phenomenon when one considers the vast array of hormonal activity that teenagers go through which, for the most apart, are basically a part of the evolution process of becoming adult and any reputable medical professional will tell you, that evolution is not complete until brain development and the ability to separate impulse from discernment is complete which in most cases is between 21 or 22 years of age.

In my blog I have tried to be as objective as I can, offering the view-point of man who suffered much with his own identity through those teenage years and onward into adulthood; who married, had children and despite his at times, difficult psychological syndromes, managed to survive into my 64^th year and I should add, did it without traversing the internet, something despite what you and I do in researching our autogynephilic dilemmas, can in many cases prove to be a more harmful arena for information than good to young minds in search for answers.

Regardless, my salvation as it is has only come about through writing and an epiphany of understanding that life has its own set of rules which are divorced from the individual’s. Yet somehow I managed, as it would appear you have as well, to remain sane and enter our adult years with our male bodies still intact. Autogynephilia may be an issue in our lives but it does not prevent us from living  a normal life in non-traumatic fashion.

That may sound rather harsh, but as I mentioned before, it is a significant step forward towards adulthood when one comes to understand, that if we live within a social network, like it or not, we must learn to deal with the realities of that network or approach life as a series of barriers which we place on ourselves which will in all likelihood, inhibit our ability to be fully human. Though I am fully aware that many may disagree, I honestly believe that much of the social problems in society today are a reflection of this dilemma; putting ones individuals wants ahead of societies requirements for, however unmerited, the overall good; thus my continuing mention of the narcissistic mind-set.

One can very easily retire into the cloistered world of the “self” by refusing to become a member of society and instead choose the world of an internet community that fosters and promotes ones idealized life style, but it very soon becomes an illusionary world that feeds one’s erroneous rationalization of  reality with regards to one’s wants and wishes and in return, uses that illusion of reality to accuse the world of an injustice in not allowing one freedom of expression.

I believe your comment about teenagers searching the web makes my point a valid one with regards to the transsexual and transgender community becoming the prevailing manifestation of autogynephilia. Once one becomes mentally seduced by a topic for which we seek answers, it then becomes the assumed version of life, real or not and if that is all one perceives as reality, it will soon come to play on ones psyche that there is “something wrong with me. Why am I not like the rest?” I think some of the hardest issues teenager face are in trying to decipher what’s “acceptable” and what’s “expected.” Teenage years are a time when the sole decisions of evaluating right and wrong are based on what they see and hear (empirical observation again) and in today’s world, the internet often offers up an unjust, mistaken and erroneous concept of identity, where one can very easily come to believe one is a transgender person or (“self-obsessed perverts without any hope for a good sex life.”) as you so rightly put it, by believing prevailing web assumptions and self-diagnosis, when in most cases this is not true at all.

Women as Sexual Beings

Regarding your theory of female crossdreamers; you mentioned: “Before the 19th century it was the women who were considered libidinous, sex obsessed and unstable, while the men were clean and clear-headed.” I believe you will find that religion had a great deal to play in the part of formulating the social norms prescribed for women prior to the 19^th century. Burning women at the stake or believing them to be the “downfall” of MAN-kind, or as in Victorian times, placing them in mental hospitals as nymphomaniacs, was a most predominate belief at the time. The idea that women were more promiscuous than men became the prevailing scape-goat pattern of thought in justifying many acts of perversion by males themselves. I suppose much of our present knowledge of how we perceive women’s sexuality today comes from three factors. One the internet world of porn. Two the company we choose to keep and three, the relationships we entrust our sexuality to. Though I will grant that women today are much more open in discussing their feelings and attitudes on the matter of sex, most women are in point of fact, sexually wired differently from men despite the humanist and feminist point of view that equates all humans as simply primates and though I can only speak from my own observations of the women around me, my surveillance of that world  speaks loud and clear that patriarchal notions aside, women are far less likely than their male counterparts to be overtly obsessed with sex and gender issues.

In the final analysis, autogynephilia is a theory and a word for a theory and nothing else. How we ourselves interpret such words and apply them to our lives is a matter for the individual to decide but most importantly, it is how we as adults, living in a social network come to terms with ourselves and our knowledge of our own make-up AS ADULTS that will determine our mental and social health and we in the western world at least, regardless of what others may think or say, have full control for the most part in deciding our own sexually and gender way of thinking and absolutely no one can keep one from becoming the person one may want to be.